Richie Incognito is only telling police that he beat up the car to cover for his best friend, Richie Incognito.

Meanwhile, Browns scouts asked Bortles how many things he could to do to his girlfriend with a brick.

I'm Dirk Hayhurst. Got any questions for me?

"That's just awful officiating. How do you just run away after blowing a call like that, instead of hamming it up and being the center of attention?"

- Joey Crawford

"Oh do shut up, Selena" - Yolanda Saldivar

If only there were some sort of tangentially related image from a television show that applied here!

Who is your favorite Deadspin commenter?

December 31, 2012, Philadelphia

It's already bad enough that he's getting jobbed out of $10,000 for a degree at "West Chester University."

There's an easy, objective way to determine who is the best at ice dancing: whichever pair lasts the longest before I say, "Eh, fuck this" and change the channel is the best.

"DO NOT WEAR UNIFORM WHILE TRAVELING IN A MOTOR VEHICLE."

Woman: Here, to prove you're really Dwight Howard, make this foul shot.

"Honestly, I had heard all these horror stories, but everyone was really accepting of the fact that I was a back-up kicker."

Over the past couple of months, you've heard that they don't exist. But they do exist, even in Sochi— you just have to know where to look for them. And here at the Mayak cabaret, you'll find plenty of them. Despite Russia's repressive laws, you only need to walk through the doors of this bar to discover the truth:…

Wow, didn't notice that, but yeah. Tom Ley and I both like looking down when our photo is being taken, too.

I think I mentioned once or twice that I did stand-up comedy on the side as a kind of depressing hobby. Here's a video, so you can figure out if I'm any better at telling jokes in real life than I am online.

"Dammit! The Broncos defense was supposed to be running security for these press conferences!"

Schreer also specified to have the "sad piano version" play at his funeral as they cut to commercial.

Tom Brady's corpse is found lying in Gillette Stadium, arm outstretched.

I assume the invitations for the commenters was, uh, lost in the mail. No hard feelings, Deadspin.