my aging eyes aren’t looking forward to reading a book on my iPhone.

No, it works every time, I swear! I learned this trick from Amy Sedaris, and she is right about 100% of everything!!

Here.. sing this to yourself and it will instantly stop your brain from replaying anything that gets stuck in there:

Even Rachel Ray is a better cook than her.

I ran into Nigella one day when I was coming in to work, and she was absolutely radiantly beautiful. I immediately walked into the side of the security portal.

COMEY FIRED! HOLY SHITS!

“That’s exactly what I was looking for to describe Hannah. Unsympathetic. I think she is selfish, narcissistic, and she made rude and hurtful remarks to Clay all the time.

They tend to line up perfectly with my lunch breaks, and it’s the most glorious reality TV you can watch.

Don’t eat fried stuff..never....vegie green shakes will keep you healthy.

Changes nothing.

Yeah, well your mother fucked a monkey. I guess the takeaway here is that life is full of stupid fucks.

“I felt just like one of those Kenyan refugees.”

“[Flynn’s] clearance was last reissued by the Obama administration in 2016 with full knowledge of his activities that occurred in 2015,”

He *always* has a pebble in his shoe that he can *never* remove, yet he must try *desperately* to remove it each and every day.

M’kay. You seem smart and have good manners. Face-punch CANCELLED!

Whatever point you are trying to make here is irrelevant, so as a matter of fact, it is you who needs to fuck off; Salk, Sabin and Borlaugh are all dead, so how am I supposed to punch them in their faces? Idiot.

God I wish I could staple you right in your stupid face right now.

She needs to get residential schooled about why this is wrong.

I mean.. there are only ~325 million people in The United States of America, so.. I guess none-billion?

Great Scott, yes! Face-punching companion RECRUITED!!