No, no, no. Women laugh alone with salad. Smiling is for yogurt and tampons.

you should be ashamed. baseball is a game played by men who curse and spit and here you are injecting a child-loving bear to trick children into watching them.

Knock Knock

Hi, I'm just meeting you, so let's get the basics out there right now. My name is Jim, I'm a doctor, and I have a sexual fetish. A specific sexual fetish. Let's just get the details out there, right now, because I think you're cute and want you to fulfill my fetish. Do you think you're physically capable of…

Is it just laying around? Did he piss off the Mob?

Eh, not for everyone. It bothers me that this is thought of as an absolute biological law with no exceptions. Some of us really don't care about passing our genes on.

I will donate my fucking uterus RIGHT NOW. Please, just take it out.

What about doing each other's hair?

Oh no, I realized that you're probably responding to Laura Beck. Jeez. What is your cat's name?

I LOVE that your cat is named Laura. That makes my night.

That's brilliant! I also need a masturbation theme.

Haughty Toates McHaughterstonwick

The BEST part is that if you called them [I'm assuming it's all white people] out and said, "That question is really offensive to me because [X]," you'd get a shocked look and YOU would be the one causing offense. "This Black lady was so rude to me when I was just being friendly. She said I was being racially…

you're just salty because you don't have a naked model hanging off your shoulder.

These kinda look like infomercials for GlaSure Gone™ by Ronco

Forget about all that germaphobe horseshit. The solution to all air travel woes is to get as fucked-up as you can handle before boarding. I find that getting mind-bogglingly baked on the way to the airport followed by a healthy handful of various pharmaceuticals not only kills all germs, but also kills the boredom.

Nice effects Mr Darcy. I never even knew there was an instagram back then.

From a 2013 perspective: The Hindenberg had a smoking room.

It was extremely safe!!! Only ONCE did it explode in a fiery ball of death.....