Thank you. This was excellent.

Preseason Browns games are awesome, if only for listening for #19's increasing drunkenness during the games.

My boss hates high fives. I often try to give her a high five, and she refuses. On top of it, she's not a jerk; she's a really good boss. It always weirds me out.

Ouch.

Damn, son.

Drew, you wrote too many words for this one. The Browns suck because they're the Browns. No further explanation needed.

First we have "Dick In a Box," which is a parody of popular music. (Not like a Weird Al parody, which uses a specific song as its basis; more like a Ween parody, which is a song written in a very specific style.)

Dammit, Magary.

Man. I was thinking for a minute that all of my dreams were coming true! Bummer.

With all of the backlash that normally follows an athlete's use of a gay or racial slur, I certainly hope to see some sort of reprimand for this. I'm not advocating for a suspension or a fine; some sort of public shaming would be sufficient.

As a lifelong Browns fan, I am certain to develop liver cancer, eventually. When that day comes, I expect similar treatment from my team!

Masterson's ability to maintain a straight face during the majority of the interview speaks volumes about how he handles pressure. That's the kind of ace I want for my team.

I'm surprised that this post wasn't tagged as NSFW. Then again, the headline states pretty clearly that it's NSFW.

It's about damn time.

A little TMI - I find it works best if I pull my balls out of my pants too. For some reason it completely opens up the flow and helps to get EVERYTHING out. I hate the pee down my leg. Maybe this just works for me?

ALBERT QUIT USING SO MANY BAD WORDS ITS WAY TOO BAD THAT YOU HAVE AN AWESOME CULINARY STYLE BUT NOT THE ELITIST SENSIBILITY TO BE PUBLISHING ARTICLES IN THE NEW YORKER BUT I GUESS THIS IS A WEBSITE FOR JUVENILES WITH POTTY MOUTHS OH AND FUCK THE KIDS.

Best Virgil Story Award.

+1 good job.

Look at those biceps.

I like this one the best.