Did I wake up in some alternate universe in which presidential candidates WANT people to believe they’ve stabbed someone and hit their mother with a hammer?? I’m losing my mind right?? Are we dead??

Of course Hillary made no promises. Of course she didn’t.

General Zhukov: Comrade, we have just captured Berlin!

He’s everything I want in a President. If he does not get the nomination I am issuing an empty threat to move to Nova Scotia.

President Obama would be very good at Kinja, probably.

Okay, guy.

I’m pretty sure Matt Damon knows when diversity is an issue.

I mean, you could eat something less greasy than a piece of pizza.

My partner is in NJ right now on business. I keep texting him to make sure he’s ok.

So this guy’s entire professional career has been peppered with morally questionable and ethically sketchy shit, yet the thing that derails him is a (no doubt) poorly lit, shaky cellphone video (shot in portrait) of him making like The Beast With Two Backs?

God, America truly is a nation of puritanical pukes.

Indiana is like the gift that keeps on giving.

I could point out there’s a missing word here, but frankly, using “bacon” as a word is better than the more normal way to write this sentence.

nah still gold

The baby thing is definitely starting to stink. It’s about time for a change.

There are white nurses, but there aren’t white black people.

1. This seems over the top. I understand why some nurses would be offended by their comments, but it seemed like more of a teaching moment than a “bring the show down, no mercy” moment.

As a physician, didn’t Ben have to take the Hippocratic Oath? A text that has its origins in Ancient Greece — a civilization where people believed that a guy with a rake had dominion over the sea and a dude with a thunderbolt controlled the weather.

I believe you mean Bill Maher. As for Dawkins, leaving aside the fact that he can’t be elected President in the first place, he hates Muslims too... And so does Maher. And both of them thought that a school is totally justified in assuming a smart Muslim kid who built a clock actually made a bomb because Muslims.

No matter how many times I put fucked in my dictionary, it always thinks somehow, maybe this time, ducked makes more sense. Sigh.

Are we actually going to start asking men to start questioning their preferences? Because from what I can tell, most of the pressure to do this is put on feminist-leaning women. So far, I’ve been told that it’s not reasonable for me to want a guy who has a job or a college degree or who doesn’t live with his parents,…