...quest for easily YouTubeable viral sensations that he can then sell ads against so as to turn a larger personal profit...

I like you but you said "malt backbone" so now I have to not like you. Bummer.

No sympathy. They're still going to fuck the Blues over in the first round somehow.

Love to hear Chicago feeling sorry for itself as if they didn't just resign the WNBA's 2014 Sixth Woman of the Year Allie Quigley to the defending Eastern Conference champions, the Chicago Sky. For multiple years no less! Spoiled much?

As a former resident of Chicago, I can say that most of them aren't getting out of bed today because it's a Wednesday in February. When you've not seen the sun since mid-November, your will to live dies.

We're big on the whole "be grateful you got any gifts at all" thing over here at Casa Burneko, so we don't return the plastic crap. We just wait a few days until it's broken and then throw it away after the kids go to bed.

In-party suggestion: if kids are bringing gifts, just put those things on a shelf or in the corner. Do not have time for the kid to sit there and open the gifts in front of all the other kids. This prevents boredom from all guests, competition about who gave best gifts, pissed off kids that are not getting gifts, and…

The worst part of Chuckie E. Cheese is after. Oh, God, the after. I assumed I was in for an easy night. They had to be exhausted, right? No. Absolute pandefuckingmonium. There was crying, screaming, an attempt to exit a moving vehicle, violence and vomiting.

I was walking to my car to drive home after high school. For some reason, I was barefoot. I can't recall why exactly. But as I headed to my car I stepped in a huge pile of dog shit. It was gross, but without anything to wipe off the dog shit right at that moment I thought it could wait. I got in the car and began…

No.

"and "Fancy" was better than..."

He should not have won the Grammy for Best Album.

Things Marchman knows nothing about:

Maybe they gave it to Beck because he actually plays some of the music on his album.

Next up in the article queue:

This is Adequate Man, not I Spent $500 On Snow Tires And Probably Also Didn't Use Underwear As A Washcloth This Morning Man.

Him?

I wonder how far I could punt Samantha J. Kitty.

Isn't this the beauty of the beer scene in the USA? I cannot think of a single state I have been to that doesn't have at least two unique cool beers.

That's a good, entertaining, light movie. Nothing wrong with it.