You’re such a dick about this, which I respect. I’m trying to formulate an argument but I can’t, due to your extreme dickishness. I cede the battlefield to you, Good Sir.

Fat guy touchdown usually involves a guy on the D-line snagging a pass that the offense wasn’t prepared for. It’s nowhere near the same thing as a guy who looks like he could be my fat uncle running end to end to score.

Yeah, fucking around at the gym all day is not a type-A personality. It’s actually someone who avoids having meaningful shit to do.

I run on 3 pretty much all the time. How do you even manage 12? If I’ve been asleep for twelve hours, it means I did something that will eventually be a Lifetime movie.

Fat guy goalie lacrosse goal trumps fat guy touchdown.

I shouldn’t joke at her expense. I’m one of the assholes who would be hanging on her every word.

Next, we’ll be hearing a strong take from Fiona Apple on saving more than you spend.

“I have absolutely no defining political convictions, so Hillary, Jeb Bush, whatever. Swear to god I’m a democrat though.”

Wait, I’m making 6 grand a month bartending and working on a food truck. 2 grand a month to sell your dignity writing that shit doesn’t seem like a deal. You might want to tone it down with the humblebragging about authoring dino porn.

It’s tricky because Olbermann has such a well known history of getting himself in trouble with his mouth that ESPN could easily blow him off. More than likely, it would backfire and he’d be the one suspended, if not fired.

Had to look it up to see if Minute Maid still has that hill in center field, and the Astro’s website says they do. Okay, that’s fine. But the website also says they have “a flag pole in the field of play create unique actions for any ball that gets past an outfielder.” What the fuck? A fucking flagpole? That seems…

Not welcome here? That’s funny, I had no problem posting.

It kind of renders the term meaningless. Hell, I’m on a no-hitter attempt and I haven’t given up a hit in 15 years. And my pitch count is spectacular!

It’s a foot-first slide. It’s not what runners ought to do, ever. Doing that is actually really fucking stupid and is ingrained since t-ball as exactly what not to fucking do while running bases.

No, no, fuck you and The Tribe. It never ceases to amaze me how little self-awareness and how much self-importance Jews have when the bottom line is, you make up a tiny fraction of the global population, and are out numbered by “fringe” religions like Hundus and Buddhists by several orders of magnitude. On top of…

A few years back, I hadn’t got enough sleep and burned my boss for daring to talk to me before having any coffee. He said “I’m not heavy today”, which I misunderstood as “I’m not happy today.” I responded with “I don’t care if you’re happy.” He corrected me by saying “No, I said I’m not heavy today.” I responded to…

Yay! The men in the shorts will run back and forth for 2 hours and then spend another hour playing grab fanny over what amounts to 4 points in free throws! Can’t wait to be bored out of my mind by that!

Right. On the 3rd point, try to imagine that I don’t give a fuck about your dumb little tv reference.

It makes a difference. I still bartend as a side gig but I have a long chunk of my resume as a server. Servers absolutely notice when someone leaves a percentage over 20. And it really can be a make or break thing, too. Not just in terms of making the rent, but maybe your server just had a terrible table and the few…

It’s not even fair for you to keep making that reference when you know for a fact I don’t get it. Fine, fine, the joke is on me, but what is the joke? Put me out of my misery and explain it to me like a child who just wandered into the room.