She may be a wooden actress but goodness if she isn't stunning.

because sad fat women just like to lie about getting laid, obvs

This is how I feel about it all the time. I can't control the size of my boobs, but you CAN control not being a fucking asshole.

I also have the big on top syndrome, compounded by the crazily short issue, resulting in pretty much anyone getting an eyeful when I wear a standard vneck t from Old Navy. And I've heard my fair share of "you wouldn't dress like that if you didn't want people to look." To that I say - yes, of course. I TOTALLY would…

I had a boyfriend tell me it had been several months since he'd dated. Why then, when we first had sex did he have an open box of condoms that looked nearly new? 'Well, I had a FWB but we never dated. We went out to eat and to movies and had sex and stuff but she's no one I'd want to date.' I am dubious and…

Don't forget to also follow me at myfiveyearolddesignedthiswebpage.com.

I'm so confused right now. Casey Kasem is alive? An "Indian reservation in Washington" is out of the country? Jaden Smith has a glass dick and wife? What is going on?

This is the most important movie of our lifetimes, people. Soak it in. You will never again see this for the first time.

Protip: Don't walk in with a party of twenty. "Oh, do you guys have a reservation?" "No." WHEN IS THIS EVER APPROPRIATE?

also, if you think going out on Saturday is the clever way to avoid a crowd, YOU ARE WRONG AND SHOULD BE STOPPED.

My late mother always said "You are NOT taking me out to a restaurant on Mother's Day. That's when all the people who never eat out are at restaurants, and I'm not eating with those idiots."

Having put in my time as a server, I try to stay the hell out of restaurants on days like today. *high five*

I thought, there is NO WAY this could be as hilarious as you say. Lo, I have been proven wrong.

Deen. Fieri would mash every item on this list together, then coat it in wasabi and bleu cheese.

FAO: R Kelly...

Why do humans spend so much time obsessing over what OTHER people do with THEIR OWN lives? A woman having an abortion does not affect you. Period. Focus on your own life and your own actions.

Oh totally she did. I get pregnant as often as possible just to have an aspiration curretage abortion/pedi/mani.

That's what killed me the most. That, and this quote: