Barry, this is exactly how Japanese baths are set up, except better, because a warm bath is already waiting for you/

You do NOT want a quiet house when you’ve got a baby in it. Make lots of noise from the day they arrive. Play music. Watch TV. Run the vacuum cleaner. Talk, don’t whisper. Remember, the womb is a very noisy place. Your kid will be acclimated to it. If you keep everything ultra quiet, the first time you drop something…

I like being alone. I like going to movies alone. For big movies like avengers, I wait a couple weeks, then take a day off work and go at like 11am on a Wednesday. Shits fucking great.

I saw a 9:35 a.m. showing of Endgame, and I’ve only ever killed one man, on the rails in Wyoming, back in nineteen aught six. It was a dark and stormy night, and

Plus the tickets are only like five bucks each, too. Tomsula knows what’s what.

I am unbearably excited to see this movie tonight. After which we’ll promptly play Pokemon Go.

But do you wash your legs during the preliminary shower?

Yeah, the thing is, your theory holds water right up until you actually use scissors to cut pizza, then it falls apart because you realize it actually works much better than you surmise. Scissors do not crush the crust, that’s not how scissors work. They’re just two hinged knives. Use them properly and slicing pizza…

That’s easy: It’s much harder to properly wash scissors, unless they’re specially designed to be taken apart.

The Best Parenting Advice You’ve Ever Received: “This, too, shall pass”

If you think you’re actually getting tax cuts...I have some nice land in the Arctic to sell to you...you were fooled.

Add “Tired/Over-tired” to your list and you’ve got most everything short of an illness or colic/gas/tummy troubles.

“I got “written up” for moving a part from one bench to another because I was interfering with union work which involved moving that part...”

That’s just a dysfunctional work environment. Has nothing to do with union vs. non-union. 

Sure...

Let’s be honest: Even buying raw ingredients at a discount grocery store is convenience, compared to farming, foraging, and hunting for all of your food.
If some convenience allows me to make more money, like fast food on the way to a second job, then it is totally worth it.
We’re better off now that we can all better…

Also see: Dental plan. (lisa needs braces)

I generally avoid that type of expenditure, but today I got two quarter pounders for $5 plus tax because [long day, long story.] Still a good deal though (I always ask if they have any specials and skipp the add-ons) and this sort of situation happens rarely.

The easiest way to get rid of spending at bars is to get married and have kids. Then you happily stay home and do all your drinking on the cheap.

Leasing is commonly understood to be the worst financial decision you could ever make on a car. Seriously. There really is no situation where leasing is a god idea. Why? Simple: