I feel a great disturbance in the Tort, as though millions of HIPAA compliance officers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

He showed you pictures of food?!??? WAT

The breadth of your beaver knowledge is impressive!

As a rare steak loving meat eater, I actually really enjoy going to vegan restaurants. SO MANY VEGETABLES! SO MUCH TOFU. It's a nice variety and it's fun to try new things.

That's been decided. The Church definitely ruled that beavers were fish in the 17th century because fuck science. Also decreed to be fish? Capybaras.

Psst, should we tell these cretins about the Catholics?

It's nice of these guys to give the women around them such a clear and undeniable red flag. Most people have to wait weeks or even months to figure out that a guy is a piece of shit, they're really saving us all a lot of time here.

Stop fucking slapping and hitting the cat, you asshole!

The real Skeletor is jacked as FUCK.

Fuck this. Fuck this whole thing. Fuck all these people.

I love tiny old people. He's like a 70 year old man in a six year old's body.

The funniest thing about it is that when he's got the mic in his hand he sounds like a news reporter in the middle of a hurricane.

DON'T YOU ROLL YOUR SEXY EYES AT ME, ROBERT DOWNEY JR!

It can be annoying, but I know people say it to me because they know I'm part of a persecuted minority and they want to convey their support. If someone is really your friend, they will know you aren't *that* gay guy. Hell, my college girl friends always joked around that they wished I could do their hair. Even I joke…

Oh, lordy. Maybe I'm having an off day, or have read too many "this is a terrible thing that happened to animals" stories, but for a full minute I thought that vending machines were somehow collecting stray animals and letting people buy/eat them.

As a heterosexual, married male, I must offer two responses to this article:

First, the positive: Thank you for the laugh. This was one of the most insightful, witty, cutting articles I've read in a long time—and it had me howling, until...

Second, the negative: I have realized I know far too many men—and far too many…