My great-great-great-great-grandmother gave birth 27 times between the ages of 16 and 48 (from 1811 to 1843). All the kids are documented in local Quaker church records.

Clearly you’re not getting the spam calls that come from numbers that not only are local, but that start with your first six digits.

Honestly it bothers me more that the tweet about Dr. Ford was clearly written by someone else. It feels more sinister and thought out that way instead of his usual temper tantrum style.

Or... OR...  they were using a Jedi mind trick to ratchet his paranoia to level 10.  Then they will start devouring their own.   I think that it’s a perfect destabilization technique.

He doesn’t have any mirrors. Mirrors upset him. His staff has replaced all mirrors with framed (and highly shopped) photos of him from 30 years ago. So far, he’s buying it.

I'm nominating you for a Dundee 

This is the turning point for the environmental movement! It’s starting to affect the dicks so now it’s serious!

We do have people in place to tell Trump that the Astrodome is the biggest and best stadium in Texas, right?

Ted Cruz always looks like his human costume is slipping off his alien body.

Keep it simple...
Rather than guessing/data-mining/harvesting/invading privacy, why not ask us directly?

I used to give sign up for whatever loyalty card with a fake number or just someone’s number and thought I was being clever. One day my coworker tells me “you know they’re just going to track you by your credit card, right?”

NBC had the infamous Access Hollywood tape for years and sat on never releasing it before the election. NBCUniversal owned Access Hollywood at the time that video was created, and Billy Bush, the employee they said they were trying to protect by not releasing it, worked for them for decades. The Washington Post…

I mean. Limes have a long shelf life. Why not just get plain and then use actual lime juice?

Read the comments, you fat fuck. Look at all these people talking about you. You want to know what they’re saying, right? Cross the event horizon, I dare you. Go down the rabbit hole.

I try to combat this by telegraphing the fact that I am not crossing the street with my body language and am in fact turning the a different way (even though I am), which works pretty well except in the case where they are about to turn right and now think they need to wait for me to cross that street, except now they…

Also:

it’s not like they let some failed bankrupt business man on the air to spout racist claims while running for president.....

When you put them on you BECOME Karl IX and Christina with all the 1600's baggage it implies. TLC Sweden already bought the rights, sorry. 

Those crowns are definetely haunted.

One might even say they’re YUUUGE