Man, he’s gonna be pissed when someone reads this article to him.

i love good beer! i used to work at a beer bar and have a favorite beer in like 15 very specific categories. however, when it’s Party Time and not just like Casual Hangs Time i do budweiser because it’s cheap and i can drink many of them and it feels like no beers

I happened to be listening to an episode of Night Vale when I scrolled past this. It’s always eerie to see Night Vale referenced out in the world because it feels like the weird, creepy, private thing that happens in my living room!

They always remind me of the fake commercials from Welcome to Night Vale. They’re so perfect in their cold, absurdest nihilism.

Back when I smoked, I got the chance to go to a fancy conference as an intern. The only other person that smoked at this job was the executive director, and I had to walk by her desk to take a smoke break. She would insist on going out to smoke with me and it was 50/50 she would bum a cigarette off me. As a result, I…

My 16-year-old sister looks a little bit older so she occasionally gets hit on by boys in their early 20s. At one point, this one sorry fellow tried to convince her that “age is just a number,” to which she quickly retorted, “a prison cell is just a room.”

Fairly recently me, my siblings and my parents were sitting around and in a sign of how we can now all talk like adults we were sort of telling “The most fucked up I’ve ever been” stories and my sister, who had a bit of a wild adolescence, tells a pretty horrific story. My mother, who was the least enthusiastic about…

Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…

A Texan rides to Taco Bell on Friday, is arrested and stays in jail for three days, then leaves on Friday.

I bind you, Iowa legislature, from doing harm!
Harm to your state and harm to your constituents!

I’m pretty sure if Jesus was there, he’d be all like “where the fuck did all these Pharisees come from?”

this inspired me to prank my Facebook friends so hard

Cash and ONLY cash where I'm from. In NYC, you pay for your plate plus some. I don't understand why registries are a "thing" other than for bridal showers.

Why gifts? Give cash. Cash for the honeymoon, cash to shore up how fucking expensive this party is, cash for sex toys, cash to buy a house, cash cash cash cash. Why would you give someone a fucking thing for their wedding when cash is both chic (fits in a cute card, looks good with your dress), and useful.

Definitely try it on your own first to see what you like and get comfortable with all modes. Also lube. Lube it and love it. - Tristan

Timothy Dolan is evil. He has proven time and again that he is a hypocritical, double-talking evil, bullshit artist. None of this surprises me. Not a single bit of it.

Not to downplay the seriousness of this whole thing but I read your comment in a Dalek's voice.