So the church my grandparents attended and my parents got married in, on the south side of Chicago, was remodeled in the 1960's, very obviously the 1960's I might add. They still have pictures of the old church in the vestibule and I saw one and I said to my mom, “Why is there a picture of a courthouse in here?” She…

And the thing with the Catholic Church is, at least they actually are pro-life, rather than just pro-fetus. They oppose the death penalty, they actively opposed the Iraq war, they do a tremendous amount of charitable work. So I’m more inclined to give them a break on their abortion stance than the evangelical churches…

Well, shit. I know it’s in service to selling deodorant, but that ad’s got me tearing up. Good on ya, Secret.

I have used this quote so many times since last Tuesday. Give him a chance? No!

I have a friend who works for a gay rights organization and she came to one of their events and he said she was a total sweetheart. Which is funny since she’s so good at playing the uptight bitch. “He asked me to forcibly insert the lifeline exercise card into my anus!”

I call my back fat curvy. Isn’t that what celebrities mean too?

I wonder if Tom screamed, “I don’t even LIKE Rhode Island!”

I really wish Ice T would stop shaming-shaming.

It’s Chicago, everyone walks at a brisk pace. Except me, I saunter.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT AMERICANS???!!!1!

I love Henry Winkler and I love Milwaukee, but their Fonz statue is terrifying. Here’s a closeup photo I took last time I was there. Also, the Fonz isn’t miraculously sweating, it was raining that day.

So wait, which one is poor, dumb Austin?

I agree with Chrissy. Go back to Russia, gazpacho lovers.

With this twitter fight (eye roll) and Julie Klausner attacking Zendaya for no reason a few months ago, Difficult People seems more autobiographical than I originally thought. (Which is sad because I really like that show.)

Ha! Chicagoan here. I just called someone a jagoff this morning. But he deserved it for parking at the bus stop and not moving when the bus came.

Now that’s unfair. Lots of us love our big beef and cheddars.

My mom said to me a few years ago, “I understand why people get divorced late in life, because your father...” and then she just trails off. My dad’s, we’ll call them quirks, have gotten more pronounced over the years, my mom has become more intolerant of them (although my mom at her most intolerant is like me at my…

Nerdy thought I had while scrolling through the tweets: did they actually let Amy Schumer into her polling place with that shirt on? Because the city of Chicago made me take the Chuy button off my bag when I voted in last year’s mayoral election.

I was at a wedding recently and I was sitting with some friends before the ceremony and I saw a girl who looked just like the bride. I said to my friend, “Oh, that’s obviously [bride’s] sister,” and my friend replied, “No...that’s her sister-in-law.” Her brother married someone who looks just like his sister! And it’s…