THANK YOU.

wait, shut up, WHAT!? ::falls out of chair::

i know, right? i didn't think it could get any worse than "manpris," but . . .

hahaaa! you win. #AWESOME

if Hostess came out with caffeinated Twinkies, they'd never have gone out of business.

"human ocarina!"

"Feminism can't have this one, not everything is about people with vaginas!" wrote chunkymonkeyandme on Tumblr.

i give this column an A.

well, NYC will be weathering its share of the storm too, so stay safe wherever you are. we're in NoMoCo, about 1 mile inland, did not have to evacuate, and will probably be okay, but we've got family down in Bay Head who had to preemptively board up their home and check into a hotel . . . they're looking forward to…

nothing was wrong with the lock . . . i guess it was just a fluke/user error; it never gave me trouble again after that first memorable penis-y night!

::raises roof::

QUESTION NOT MY JUDGEMENT, MALACHI—-

"we all float down here . . ."

AUGHHHHH OH MY GOD CHILDREN OF THE CORN I CAN'T STAND IT

after a childhood of self-imposed denial (it was easier to tell myself that i was a skeptic than to accept the fact that dead people wanted to communicate with me), i've been able to be in touch with spirits of the deceased since my 16th birthday. i have a bunch of cool, eerie stories about my experiences, but none…

thank fuck for all these GIFs from commenters to provide some comic relief after these horrific tales! the lolz help me recover after pissing myself with fear.

oh dear lord, thank you for this GIF. i needed something silly to make me laugh after that nightmare-inducing story.

that is absolutely beautiful. creepy, but beautiful.

please. the continued shaming of Yoko Ono is lame and archaic and has to stop. it's embarrassing to read that remark here on Jezebel! is it 1968 and are you 16 years old and butt-hurt 'cause the weird Japanese harpie swooped in and stole "your" John?

i do have a SOH bypass where LiLo is concerned . . . she's just appalling. :\