Well, there's no right address to go to to shoot up a bunch of people.

I'm doing this next year:

Great. And all those years of making excuses as to why my hamsters and gerbils didn't work—why I was always the one putting money in their college funds—and it turns out they could have been working the whole time. Earning money for themselves! Pulling themselves up by their own tiny bootstraps!

LEA DELARIA WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON STRAIGHT WOMEN WHEN I AM HERE WAITING FOR YOU?

Why wasn't it already illegal for them to lie to these women?

So you're telling me that this had to go all the way to the fucking Supreme Court of the United States of America, land of the free or whatever where it is the year two thousand and fucking fourteen, to decree that a fake health clinic is not allowed to not tell women that they are fake.

It's fucking bullshit that states can force abortion providers to give medically inaccurate information to women getting abortions about cancer or dictate scripts about a fetus feeling pain, but can't force these centers to tell women what medical treatment they provide (or don't) or that pregnant women should go see…

Look, all I'm asking is that Christmas be pushed back to its traditional borders.

I'm game. Every Christmas Eve after the family dinner but before the usual holiday bar crawl I watch Fight Club. Then Christmas Day I take me and my hangover to my rents' house. We open presents, then watch Snatch on a continuous loop while eating leftovers to combat A Christmas Story on TBS. Christmas, you are…

In my early twenties, I was pulled over without having broken any laws, and sexually assaulted by a cop. That was his only motive for pulling me over. I received no ticket or reprimand for a thing. He just asked me a lot of personal, sexual questions, made me get out of the car and felt me up, making sexual sounds and…

I hope their mothers, wives, and daughters are super proud.

"Why didn't you report your rape?"

The language is really interesting: They can't unrape you. It's as if once a woman is raped, there's no point in doing anything because what's done can't be undone. It's not like robbery, where they can recover the stolen goods, so what's the point? She's damaged goods now, and always will be, so why ruin a man's life…

i just can't. I'm so thankful my local police department is awesome. On their fb page, they mostly post dogs they find, keys found at the local diner, how cows will not move unless they decide to move (the officers found this out) and they count down the days till winter.

THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. The world can add "terrible, exploitative parents" to the list of the Giudice's crimes (I don't know who those other children are, but shame on their parents, too).

And then when she says, "Who is this?" he calls her a fat slut and claims he didn't want her vote anyway.

I had my gallbladder out last winter and, no lie, I was psyched to have five days in bed with almost no expectations. Three weeks would be extra-awesome, as long as there wasn't a financial issue.

I'd kind of love a three-week quarantine. You could finally get to the bottom of your Netflix queue.

I think the idea of being with Chris Martin is better than actually being with Chris Martin.