1) Bookman. He gets at least one actual laugh per line, and sometimes more than one.

I'm deeply, deeply sorry, man, but watching distance running is pretty goddamn brutal. I live in the DC Metro area: I can't turn my head outside on a sunny day without seeing two dozen stringbeans in Spandex jogging with intense looks on their faces. The primary difference between a marathoner and those bozos is…

That's great.

Ha!

That's amazing.

Thanks for the suggestion, Tom, but since Lochte reminds me so much of someone else I know who loves to swim and who also is frequently seen in public wearing nothing but a Speedo, I think I'll continue calling him "Grandma."

"Too late?! DAMMIT!!"

Ha!

Despite NBC's refusal to grant them more than token mention, some of these smaller nations loomed much larger in our national discourse about the London Olympiad. For example, last night in Kansas City, Jason Whitlock interrupted coverage of the Games to ask the Costco butcher for, and I quote, "a Cuba smoked fatback…

"What can I say - it's all about the papers, baby!"

"So he's looking for a little jingle - is that a crime?"

That's great. +1

"Hey, what's with the Inquisition, guys? Is it so wrong for a man to try to scrounge up a little dough for himself?"

You know, we always talk about things being "fixed" as though that's such an awful thing to be. "Ooh, was this Olympic boxing match fixed?" "Oh no, the Miami Heat got a couple of extra calls: the Eastern Conference Finals must have been fixed!" Seems to me, "fixing" gets a pretty bad rap. I think the sports world…

Wonderful. +1

One thing I've always wondered about punters is, could you please mail me your credit card?

Have you ever wanted to slyly drop the ball behind your back and, like, punt a grenade down there, just to see the look on the returner's face? I bet that would make a really great meme, all, "ZOMG I'M BOUT 2 BLOW."

Hi Chris, big fan, and I appreciate how thoroughly you defy the stereotype of the dumb jock who gives rote, go-out-there-and-give-110% answers to questions. I've always wondered: if you kicked a guy in the ass, would his brain and spinal cord pop out of the top of his head?

Immediately After Jordyn Wieber Won Gymnastics Gold, What Was On Tim Burke’s Mind? Her Vagina

That's hilarious.