WHY IS A HUMAN TROLL DOLL ON THE TEEVEE?!?!

I don’t want to watch Shia LaBeouf watch Shia LaBeouf but for some reason I damn sure want to read your livecomments of Shia LaBeouf watching Shia LaBeouf.

I tried really hard not to be grosses out by all that shmegma when they put my babies on my chest but GOD DAMN! I knew I wasn't going to be able to take a shower for a day or two due to my nether regions being blown out so I wasn't looking forward to being tainted by goo.

Ahhhhhhhh!

This is making me really want to take advantage of my no longer professionally employed status and do this to my hair.

I don't mind cleaning at all. It's the pre-cleaning organizing I can't handle. I'm waiting for them to invent a service that does all the shit you're supposed to do before the cleaning lady comes. That would be the best day of my life.

I think they’re referring to practices for youth sports that are outside of school and are at night or on the weekends. Showing up to watch a practice for like a middle school or high school team...that would be some helicopter shit to the nth degree! My parents never showed up to anything. Not games (school teams or…

I took my almost five year old daughter on a playdate to a park the other day. I started briefly talking to the other mother (and when I say briefly, it was as brief as brief can be because this mother is...how should I say this...a turd in the punchbowl of life), I look over at the kids, and my TWO YEAR OLD has…

He endeared himself to me by making fun of all of the Kardashians with quips that are genuinely funny and insightful. Like he’s just as bad as they are in terms of wealth and extravagance but manages to actually see them all from our normal point of view. Plus his bff is Khloe and Khloe is the carrier of the entire…

Yeah like your whole life, marriage, and finances are falling apart and you don’t even call your sister who was LIVING WITH YOU not too long ago? Wut?

I will say that not three days ago, my husband threw his legs in the air and asked me to pop a painful pimple on his taint. So maybe that movie was more accurate than I thought but not funny. Neither of those things was remotely amusing to me.

Holy. Shit. I mean...HOLY SHIT!!

KELLY CLARKSON!

True! Even the waxing scene, which is such an overplayed trope, still makes me laugh. That movie was funny but I suspect that had more to do with Steve Carell.

Because once you have a baby, you have to provide all the info and verification to the state for your disability to kick in. That's the hard part to fake!

This is why I avoid heights. I'm not so much scared that I'll fall as I am that I'll be so scared that I'll fall that I'll just jump so it will be over.

I HAVE THE SAME THING!!! I get really anxious about what COULD have happened. It's so bizarre.

Dr. Spaceman from 30 Rock!

I used to fantasize about faking a pregnancy and taking mat leave.

You could mentor under Kim Davis.