What a fucking clown.

Be as mean as you can and as loud as you can when you scream “STOP TOUCHING MY VAGINA!” Seriously though, I hope your daugher moves on ok from this. It is not ok and my heart hurts for her. Is the school intervening at all?

This is EXACTLY what I tell people in my family who can’t believe that I would attempt to raise children and not instill a fear of imaginary sky people in them. They have actually asked me how I expect them to choose to commit any major moral or legal transgressions. WELL...call me crazy, but I would rather they…

Your uncle is a piece of shit and you are awesome.

Pauly Shore once hit on me at a bar. When I told him I was waiting for my boyfriend (which I was), he told me that he never would have called me afterwards anyway. I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that anyone would actually give Pauly Shore their real number even if they did get naked with him.

Nope. No. You did nothing wrong. That is literally kombucha. It is an offense to humanity.

Scott and Khloe are the best Kardashians.

Slept with a drummer of a shitty cover band who had really stinky balls.

Lady, that story and that friend are GOLD!! Internet high five to you and your recovery.

Math and farts.

For hanging on the wall so you can remember that you are an evil filthy sinner!!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T EAT CHEESE?! BITCH YOU FUCKING LOVE CHEEEEEESE!! EAT THE CHEESE!!!

Unreturnable is a slap in the face.

Right?! You want light? Let me flip this switch! Oh it's too bright? Let me dial back the dimmer switch! Fucking sorcery I tell you!

Black velvet last supper painting clock. I am speechless.

Gross. I'm sorry. Sometimes moms are just the worrrrrrst.

That’s fucking amazing.

Candles are the worst things ever! All they do is sit around, look tacky, and collect dust. Although at least they serve some purpose unlike the stainless steel clam shaped tongs from Marshall's that someone gave my ex and me for a whopping $3.

Oh god! So my insane ex-mother-in-law insisted that we send a wedding invite to every person she’d ever met back in the homeland (Greece). Of course none of them came but damn if they didn't all send a three dimensional silver icon of jesus. When I finally left her son, I was almost tempted to dig them out of the…

A friend gave me a gift card to a sex shop as a wedding present and it was like a breathe of fresh air among a sea of horrendous silver platters and fucking icons of goddamn jesus that I sure as shit never registered for.