My son is 6 and just finished up kindergarten. One of his assignments was to illustrate a short story. He did a great job, too. On the last page he was supposed to draw a teacher in a classroom in front of students. He did. Above the chalkboard is the alphabet - fairly standard. Except I noticed it was a little longer…

There is nothing good about this story. I was in the army and living in the barracks, which is kind of like two-person dorm rooms. I didn't have a roommate and I didn't have a girlfriend in town. I had porn. There I was, pants around my ankles watching videos and doing my thing when I hear a key go into a door that…

I don't think my wife has a red dress. .......yet.

You sure it's not just, you know, super cold there?

Wo ist dein Gott jetzt?

TIL nobody in Greenland a) has a Twitter account or b) gives a shit about the world cup

Now if someone can put the score increasing above Ralph (and the 1 goal posted by Brazil over Lisa at the very end) this gif would be pure gold.

http://m.imgur.com/Nhq9AKn

This game goes to 11.

That's 5 now, sir.

photoshop request: Put sad Jeter with sad batman being hug-spooned by sad superman with sad Kanye and sad Reeves sitting in the background

It isn't difficult to mistake the lyrics of some TMBG songs as the ramblings of the mentally ill.

"I'm you're only friend I'm not your only friend but I'm a little glowing friend but really I'm not actually your friend but I am."

Tried and true method you can't argue with that. I mean if she said no and I gave up right away then I must not have really wanted what I was asking for right?

Kindred spirits! Congratulations on your 3rd!

Thanks! I do love telling that story and the story of our early years. Ours is a tale of strife and perseverance and I couldn't be luckier to have met and somehow convinced my wife to be my partner in all of it.

Corny ass romance time! I was in a weird place. I got married at 20 to a 19 year old when I was in the army and she split after 5 months. I couldn't afford a divorce (those things are expense, you know) so we were technically still married 2 years later when I met my wife. I had left the army and was on vacation from…

You say that the dude is sadly putting away his lotion, but in reality he is sadly creating his own lubricant. It's still sad either way.

Someone let me know when Jezebel readers arrive and see these comments. I'm getting the popcorn ready.

"Let me out that queen."