But I was already farting with abandon.

I have one too. I call it “Cheesy Mouse”. Although come to think of it, I mostly grate cheese with my box grater and then use Cheesy Mouse as a container to store the leftover bit.

My house was all about the egg fried in bacon grease

Real talk: the disdain of “in-between shit” is often why people binge on diets. “I’m already eating unhealthy with my entree, might as well get the potato skins too - none of this in-between shit, that’s ridiculous!”

eating a salad as a full meal is like eating whispers

I can just imagine the conversation:

BRB OFF TO LEARN HOW TO TAT LACE

I think we have a very angry progressive base. Possibly an out for blood base.

The thing is, he’s a completely bald-faced liar. Wisconsin has enjoyed a tradition of honest, workmanlike politicians - both Democratic and Republican- for so many years that when a lying, amoral twerp like Walker comes along, many of these good, trusting salt-of-the-earth people actually take him and his Eagle Scout…

Less than half of Wisconsinites are awful. His approval ratings here are tanking, and let’s not discredit the people who have been showing up by the hundreds, and even thousands, to protest this fucker basically the entire time he’s been in office. Wisconsinites also packed a crowd about 10,000 deep at a rally for…

It’s what you do on your bar mitzvah.

No kidding! Yowza.

I’ve changed my panties like 13 times reading Scalia’s dissent

How do I get involved in that tho

I love the classics! You got your ass handed to you by a bunch of people and now you are using tone policing to try to not look like the fool you are. I wish this comment section had a nationalist immigration policy so these nice people wouldn’t feel the need to waste good words responding to you.

Oh god friend ones are the worst. I changed in front of a friend for the first time and she said, so cheerfully, “You dress really well, you don’t look that fat with your clothes on!”

Moms are neg ninjas.

I didn’t know it was a neg at the time, but several times I got the one where the guy asks if you’re wearing colored contacts. And then insists you are no matter what you say. I have very distinctive eyes, so it didn’t strike me as an odd thing to ask at first. When they keep doing it, though, it’s like wtf do you…

I hate being "that" guy but yeah, I can't believe they kept First Contact off the list.