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I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I was looking at pictures of shoes on Pinterest. You know. Where ladies go. For their lady interests.

You know, I'd make you a flow chart, but I know women are terrible at spatial reasoning, even when you make everything shades of pink!

I'm so disappointed right now that "meatplane" is just a nerdy word for real life, instead of an actual plane made of meat lashed together with intestines. If I were Satan, I would only fly on Meat Force One.

So a pretty common troll retort around these parts is 'why don't you do something to help people out in real life instead of just complaining on the internet?' I've seen some variation of this cry tons of times over the years. I literally just got a response along this line last week.

I want everyone to see this. Also, don't google me.

So if someone is offering deals on MAD GINSENG over the internet I shouldn't believe them?

i feel like almost all the ladies made a pact to dress like fancy couches and frankly they all look gr8

That's way too much cheekbones for one family. Their offspring will probably be a high elf who shall herald the return of the Eldar onto Middle-Earth.

The cat is making a Lucille Bluth looking at Buster face every time it looks at him.

WEENS ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. OR JUST WEENS SOMETIMES. OR WEENS NEVER. IT'S A PERSONAL WEEN-CISION.

My cat and I are rude to each other. Cats deserve a little sassing. His cat probably thinks he's a needy dweeb.

Help! A vendor at the farmer's market sells peanut products

"Help! My Autistic Rescue Labradoodle is Slut-Shaming My Leg".

"Help! My Gluten Intolerance Has Been Exacerbated by the Alignment of the Moons of Mars and Jupiter"

omg delightful yes keep talking yes yes yes

Help! I can't tell which of these twelve blue Priuses (Prii?) with "Namaste" and "Coexist" bumper stickers is mine — and my goat's milk gelato is starting to melt.

help! I just found out my community garden gender segregates their plants.

Dear Emily Post,

Help! I Just Found Out that My Financial Advisor Eats Conventional Vegetables!