Steve Levy: "Coming up on SportsCenter, we tell you how Tim Tebow is inspiring his Patriots teammates to sign "virginity vows", Skip Bayless analyzes how LeBron James actually prevented the Heat from sweeping the Spurs due to his selfishness and non-whiteness, and Johnny Manziel's wild summer continues as he shows up…

"The pain was crazy. I couldn't even practice that day because I had been numbed up. I'll tell you one thing, I'm never going out at night with Michael Irvin again." - Barry Church

A-Rod: "So, as it stands now, I will be retiring from the game of baseball. I apologize to all I have let down. It is time to move on to the next chapter of my life. I appreciate the fairness that Mr. Selig and Major League Baseball showed by allowing me to be compensated $22 million of the $100 million remaining on…

Patrick Stiegman: "Overall this job would be a tedious one for most sportswriters. It won't offer you a lot of exposure at first, but with solidly consistent writing and a fresh outlook on this assignment, it could help propel you back into the mainstream. So, welcome back to ESPN, and I hope you enjoy your time…

Bud Selig: "Ha! That whippersnapper thinks he's old school. Why, I find that offensive! He'll be hearing from me soon enough!"

Not shown is his back tattoo, depicting Ben Roethlisberger downing O-bomb's with some co-eds at Buffington's Bar.

"Phew, man that's a killer question. I'm not trying to ditch it though, so....I'll take a shot, and say that I'll be back by Week 4 of the 2180 season." - Aaron Hernandez

Damn, I knew I was forgetting something. The 30-year grace period. My apologies.

"They're having a lot of fun in Cleveland tonight." - Doug Dieken.

@Jaguars: @RedSox @raysbaseball First 30,000 fans of these two teams that attend any game of the September series in Florida can stick around and come to Jacksonville for FREE admission to any Jags game this year, as well as a FREE sample of our new menu item: Blaine Gabbert's Turnovers!

Holmgren: Hello? Ilya?

The Jets, the Jets

I would have ranked Berger cookies higher on my list. I'm probably biased, being a native Marylander, but when I was kid those things were the truth. I would love when my mom would come home with a box of them. They are definitely very, very sweet though.

I'm so glad that other people hate raisins in cookies. It seems like almost everyone I know loves raisins in everything. I can tolerate them on their own, even in certain salads, but raisins in any sort of cookie just ruin it. Also, raisins in any form of bread or bagel suck as well.

+1 Unbelievable.

+1

Hadsell: I don't fuckin' know anymore, man. Things seemed to be going great. I was on top of the world. I mean, sure, I never actually sealed the deal with these chicks, but I sure as fuck had enough of a backlog of texts to crank out some awesome ones too. I'll miss drinking that margarita mix spiked with cheap…

We are talking about different players. It doesn't bother me what an athlete does, they are grown men. I just found it interesting to think of how many athletes really like to party. I've heard a lot of random stories about Adam Jones haha. I love how he has become the face of the franchise and represents Baltimore…

Haha this happens from time to time at one of our local bars. It sucks when someone does that. This bathroom is so small and you can't even lock the door. It makes me wonder if the dude has to lean forward while shitting to hold the door closed.

What percentage of professional athletes do you think have what could be defined as a "drinking problem"? A lot of athletes seem to go out on the town a lot, even during the season. I won't state his name, but I saw a Baltimore Orioles player out at night a lot during the season last year. I believe I read that he was…