I would spend the last two weeks of that mountain biking in tight shorts.

I'm masturbating right now.

Go with session, you lucky duck you.

The doctor's say that I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there...

The difference is simply this: The woman with the coffee was using the coffee as it was intended, and it was heated beyond a reasonable temperature. The hand warmers were not at all being used as intended.

I have a friend who was an ER Dr. You would be surprised what people stick in places they don't belong. The one that made me squeeze my legs shut the most was a woman puncturing her cervix with a summer squash. She said she was cleaning her windows naked and fell on her vegetable drawer. With the summer squash…

Coffee can be overheated due to worker error, this woman's issue was user error, that's a huge difference.

I'm only truly enjoying my FREEDOM if I've got a crotch full of piping hot curler.

Screw that, Im going to start telling people to fuck themselves with a hot curling iron.

I used to have a curling iron (I think I used it once) that had on its warning label not to insert the iron into any bodily orifaces especially while it's hot. While you would think that would be obvious, somebody likely won a lawsuit from doing just that.

Folks would donate these by the caselot for us at the agency. These things are covered in warnings, including no bare skin and no prolonged use. She must have left on them on herself for hours. Good lord.

Honey I'm 6 foot and 200 lbs and I ALWAYS hook that key through my fingers. And I will not hesitate to bury it in ur face-flesh. Better not ask for the time while I'm walking to my car at night, homeboy. ;)

I sure as hell hope no good-natured pranksters ever come in for a surprise side-hug in a dark car park because seriously, they are going to get hell of shanked and then the police are gonna need my car keys for evidence. How do you explain that to AAA?

I wasn't going to mention it, but I was in SLC last weekend and it reminded me of the ship in Wall-E. The size of the average person I saw was astounding.

"Technically, it's 'Accidents while naked.'" —Florida Man

"It could be a bunch of people" is EXACTLY what I would tell my ex-boyfriend if I wrote an iconic break-up song about what a dick he was.

My family definitely all think I'm insane for having [the kids] in the bed and breastfeeding them for forever. I couldn't care less.

Day drinking is awesome, especially when the weather is nice and there's nothing more fun than sitting on a patio all afternoon. You can start with mimosas at brunch and work your through a bottle or two of wine, and wrap everything up by dinner. The key is to pace yourself, drink plenty of water, keep the snacks…

As grade-schoolers, did we not all have one of those Hippity-Hop things to teach us what an orgasm was before we actually knew what it was? Or at least a Sit-N-Spin?

And then, after you're done, you go to Amazon.com and put the Water Pik 12-speed handheld shower massager on your Wish List.