The gifs shown are actually a time lapse, May is driving at approximately 36 MPH.

Have you ever fixed a computer for a relative? That’s why I don’t cook on Thanksgiving and Christmas. They’d want me to do it every year, and after 16 years of doing it for a living I don’t even have the energy to microwave a hot dog. A toaster is wayyyyy easier.

Instead, I thought maybe I could cook ridiculous meals…

or you can just do what my family does and buy a giant, plastic tub of aggressively orange cheese balls

I can eat a hot dog underwater!

Carl, Butter Expert: If you can pick up ghee, you can make the wicks in about.. the time it takes to melt ghee, dip the wicks, and cool them. An hour, maybe?

Carl, Former Restaurant/Catering Professional: Paraffin wax is non-toxic, so you have no concerns about poisoning guests. Additionally, butter maintains a liquid…

I’ve been on a rye kick for the last month since finding Whistle Pig 12 for DIRT CHEAP near me, but I am always accepting islay and bourbon donations!

Now if that were a 14lb Costco sheet cake ($14.99) that feeds 30+, I might be impressed. Nobody had better be bringing grocery store “buttercream” to my birthday.

I woke up to a Misen and a custom made butcher block for my birthday today.

Holy shit, that knife. Even POPE KENJI likes it! We’ll see how it compares to the rest of my drawer over the next few days. I just had my entire collection sharpened, so I’m interested to see how well it holds up against Global, Shun, Wustof,…

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY YOU SHOULDN’T BE BORED

SKRAAAAAAAAWK IT’S A LEASE

It’s dirt cheap for a multi-site yearly subscription, which gives you access to all of their past issues, every recipe ever across Cook’s Country/Illustrated and ATK (including recipe videos), every FULL episode of ATK, all of their ingredient and equipment reviews and the entire cookbook collection. $70 a year or $70…

But we are not birds

The time is always and the place is my mouth

Pumpkin pie “souffle”! Good stuff.

Crust is easily the worst part, but the payoff is SO GOOD. I acknowledged my horrible baking ability earlier this year and I’ve been working pretty dang hard on staples like tart crusts and pie crusts and custards.. and pie crusts are by far the most maddening. I’m getting there…

As someone with a Thanksgiving week/On Thanksgiving birthday, I have had many birthday pies of all types and flavors over the years - both scratch-made and frozen.

Marie’s OG pumpkin is a standout among frozen, sure. It’s sort of what you expect from a pie. Not a pie your mom or grandmother made, but maybe one your…

Winner!

It’s 2016. Approach everything with caution.

I’m shutting down for the day/weekend but oh my god bacteria and fat spoiling and rancidity. Find me in the comments on Monday and remind me of this.

What’s the worst Thanksgiving side? It’s gotta be that gloppy green bean casserole, right?