“I was against (use of the atomic bomb) on two counts. First, the Japanese were ready to surrender and it wasn’t necessary to hit them with that awful thing. Second, I hated to see our country be the first to use such a weapon.”

You have to remember that until three years ago, Russell Pearce was the vice-chair of the Arizona GOP. Sure, most people remember him for brainstorming our state’s “show your papers” law, SB 1070. But they often forget that, while serving the party, he thought it would be a good idea to push an idea that poor women on…

I think they get softer the more current you go. 150 years ago, if you didn’t serve, you worked your own farm or built your own damn house from scratch (Fillmore) or just survived living in an age without the knowledge of antiseptic (which would have saved poor Garfield’s life). Hell, Grover Cleveland had a giant…

Until he broke his leg, yeah. Then he nearly lost his commission because he was just meh at soldierin’. Not to discredit him, because he was a fantastic commander and one of the very best presidents we ever had (despite having no political involvement or aspirations until he ran for president; didn’t even have a party…

No, it’s not. I guess I could have gone into more depth: Ike wouldn’t have made a very good soldier. He was apparently a good athlete in his youth but at West Point, he lacked a lot of discipline. Middle of the pack in his class, more than his share of write-ups. He was almost certainly tougher than Trump, but not…

I hope that was worth his time, missing the Phoenix rally for Trump and all.

By ‘63, he was in a back brace full time, on sticks whenever he wasn’t in public view, and on a cycle of drugs that would have made Elvis blush. Dude had minor surgery every 90 days to implant drugs in his back for his Addison’s Disease...for the last 17 years of his life. He might not have lived to see re-election,…

“Unfortunately my season ended last night.”

Ike just did strategy. Never on a battlefield.

As much as I admire Eisenhower, Ike never saw combat. So, probably not him.

Lincoln would have destroyed him. He was a 19th century shoot wrestler for chrissakes, and was evidently undefeated or fairly close to it over hundreds of matches. Made his early living doing that shit. Lincoln would have fucked Trump up.

Something tells me Little League Boog would have made the trip, if only for the BBQ.

And it’s not like Trump’s White House tutor is busy that often, so really — no excuse.

“That’s nothing. I once paid for an entire hotel room, you understand, this great, beautiful suite in Moscow — one of the very best suites I’ve been in and I’ve been in amazing places, that I can tell you — and there were two women there with urine running out of their...whatever all over this bed. A lot of people…

This, basically.

I don’t know about Jacksonville specifically, but as my dad used to say of Florida, “The more north you go, the more south you get.” So...maybe not Colin Kaepernick?

Next, you’ll want a statue of George Washington.

“What’s wrong with settling?”

This is brilliantly reductive.

We lived in Hawaii then. It was a little behind the curve back in the 70s, so we were finally going to see Star Wars that day. The news broke and my mom spent the rest of the day crying in the bathroom. It was weird to five-year-old me.