I grew up in Colorado Springs. The city had it coming.

you’re really bending over backwards for some excuses.

RIGHT?!?! It’s like I personally think flinging your dumps out the window in a bag is far more heinous than making a poop joke and copping up to the situation. As far as I know nobody can photosythesize their nutrients and excrete their waste in a polite raspberry scented mist.

Only if you have an onyx cube in your asshole to balance it out.

I bet jumping on a trampoline while holding a jade egg in your vagina is amazing for your core.

Cheap food is tough. For diner food, Swingers isn’t bad, but it’s only sort of cheap relative to everything else. If you want delivery for 2, it runs about $45 a pop. I realized my culinary laziness is basically eating up my retirement. I need to get over it and just cook for myself.

Listen, nerds, here’s a free, billion dollar idea: self-clasping buttons and snaps.

Quotes from a GOSH spokesperson from a Telegraph article:

Nope. She’s doing the bare minimum and no one is above criticism. Plus, her life force is sustained by all the attention she gets. By ignoring her, we would be, literally, killing her and I, for one, am not a murderer. It’s what Jesus would have done. #Amen

Seinfeld looks dashing at 63, while Jon Stewart, who’s 54, is looking these days like he drank from the wrong cup in “The Last Crusade”. This can only mean one thing: “Political Satire” is a far more stressful genre of comedy than “Obervational Humor”.

Would someone pls swap Kesha’s face for Newman’s in the below .gif? If not, can you pls imagine her face there and laugh / chuckle along with me? Thanks!

Never forget

Reminder, people: Kesha is not a victim here. Stop making excuses for her.

Nothing I can possibly do can disrespect the office more than what Republicans did on November 8th.

I totes respect the office, it’s the fat fuck sitting in it that I don’t respect. I mean, that office is famous, John Kennedy played with his children in it! Barack Obama laid on that floor to play with babies that weren’t even his! Bill Clinton got a blowie in that office! That office is fuckin amazing!! The only way…

“According to ABC, one parent posted on social media that students should respect Ryan because he has a fancy job, no matter how much you may want health insurance someday.”

My first concert. Lucky to say I was able to see them live.

Please don’t do this. The problem is institutionalized coercion, fear, and excessive respect of authority, not the gender or age of the abusers.

I got 3 tacos for $1.95 each today because it is taco Tuesday, so I know how Depp feels.