He is finally forced to wear the physical manifestation of what his rule-breaking does to the NFL, according to pundits everywhere. It’s the Scarlet ‘A’ of this generation.

I dated a caddie for awhile who made the same invite.

No love from Drew for They Might Be Giants? I must be getting old. I still haven’t walked in the glow of another’s majestic presence...

Play for the Philadelphia Union? That’s a paddlin’.
Play for DC United? That’s a paddlin’.
Paddlin’ the school canoe? You better believe that’s a paddlin’.

So, based on how moved they were by the very literal (and figurative!) properties of metamorphosis, could we zip them up in sleeping bags, wrap those sleeping bags in duct tape, and then hang them from a tree in the forest for several months? I’m curious what they might evolve into...

Cicely Tyson? Ruby Dee? Isabel Sanford?

That *IS* the Fantastic Four reboot - coming 2019.

#PoopnachoSIS
#Poopnal-qaeda
#Poopnacho-Haram
#Chee-had

I still continue to wonder if I’m doing this right...

In order to pay for the parade when the Texans win the Super Bowl, they will Bill O’Brien.

(am I doing this right?)

Goddammit. I rescind my previous attempt at humor and will spend the rest of New Year’s in the fetal-position in the corner of a dark room.

So either the Mad Lib theme continues here at Deadspin (the Colts plan to ________ Chuck Pagano), or we have the new dabbing for 2016...

...everybody in the club Chuck Pagano! Everybody get low, Chuck Pagano!

...or maybe fix a headline.

That was better than I could have imagined. Thank you. Can’t wait for the new PopsicleEpochU joint to drop...

“No, officer. I haven’t been drinking tonight - I have a concussion”? Admissible in court, or no?

“I made this video a long time ago...a real long time ago!” - Johnny Machizelli, 2094

I’d have gone with MadLib: In (name of city), where (proper noun) River was actually ON FIRE for several years, Johnny “(name of object)“ Manziel appears on video drinking a (type of alcoholic beverage) and rapping to (name of frozen object)(name of period of time)(single letter), which surface on the social media app…

No votes for Song of the South? ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH! Where my country gone?

Counter-counter: My eight-year old is named Alex, and in thinking about “the talk” in the near future, I’m wondering if I should address the issue... “If you find someone you really love AND they also share the same name as you...”

The oedipal scenario is NOTHING compared to dating/sleeping with someone who shares YOUR first name. I have a gender-neutral first name, and not only was it pronounced the same, it was spelled the same. Writing e-mails, saying your own name during sex...it got really weird. We both acknowledged it when we broke up.