I’m Southern, and my mom regularly served canned pear halves with a dollop of mayonnaise in the middle, sprinkled with shredded cheddar cheese. I guess the lesson here is that mayonnaise abominations are regional, but every region’s got em!

I was trying to set tables when I accidentally walked on on a heated discussion between my racist grandfather and uncle about, “black lives matter.” I set those forks down fast and bolted. Then my cousin taunted me with her weed. Then my other uncle read a 12 page story he’d had written about my grandparent’s lives…

Yeah, I did that too. It hurt.

Did you get chills? Were they multiplying? Damnit, woman, are you losing control???

Damn, that's awesome! I love me some Lowes.

Damn, that's awesome! I love me some Lowes.

I can only assume that the Madden brothers are seriously the nicest guys on the planet. Joel and Nicole, okay, I can see that. But Benji and Cameron??? Really? The less attractive Madden wound up with Cameron Diaz? He must be really kind and funny and awesome. And since that’s the shit that lasts, I say way to go,…

Dishwasher thoughtfully crapped out on me at sale time. Whirlpool dishwasher for $270 at Lowes.

Dishwasher thoughtfully crapped out on me at sale time. Whirlpool dishwasher for $270 at Lowes.

No, it's awful. It's like sitting down in a public bathroom to find that someone has already occupied the throne far too long and left it pre-warmed for you.

Huh, I am apparently a fancy bitch. Good to know!

Totally agree. That was insult gold.

It really is the perfect insult- descriptive, accurate, and hilarious.

Agreed. I adore all things Ina.

Shrayber? Damn. Now how will we ever know if he got the Parisian carnival wedding of his dreams? And my world will be a more boring place without BCO.

Adam Richman is an asshole and I liked him much better when he was fat. Anthony Bourdain should feel free to make fun of him. Guy Fieri is an easy target- Bourdain needs to raise his insult game.

I don't do Twitter. Anybody have a list of who all got shit-canned?

Nope, that's tinnea versicolor. It's a fungus. Use stinky tar dandruff shampoo to get rid of it.

You can donate to the French Red Cross at https://www.ammado.com/nonprofit/crf

That is fun. Hubs and I are a few months apart, but have gone to school together since 6th grade. I honestly don't know if I could remember my misspent youth without him.

My dad snapped a picture of me and hubs on the back deck and my mom put it in the local paper. It wasn’t even a particularly flattering picture. Mind you, this was 13 years ago before engagement shoots were a thing. I kind of wish we’d had a photo shoot that made me look gorgeous and glowy, so all those damn losers…

Thanks- now I’ll be singing that damn song all night. And I’m taking you all with me!!!