If I got to choose my last meal, it would definitely be a really fantastic cheeseburger.

That picture is like looking at some generic Dollar Tree Full House knockoff. Like something my grandmother would have bought me for Christmas.

I went on my first car date at 14 with a guy that will forever be known as “dumb Bobby.” Even though Dumb Bobby couldn’t have gotten to second base on a dare, my mom insisted we couldn’t go to the movies alone (in the middle of the afternoon). So she followed us to the movies, with my little sister waving at us from…

I would definitely watch a Can’t Hardly Wait reunion movie. I’m sure it would be as dumb and disappointing as American Reunion, but I’d still see it.

Okay, I need some solid advice. My husband has wanted to go to Vegas as long as we’ve been together. (He went once with his family) I’ve never particularly wanted to go. I don’t gamble, I’m not nearly cool enough for clubs, and I’m so cheap, I can squeeze a nickel until the buffalo poops.

Throwds

That's definitely far too humane for those sick fucks.

It’s from Pitch Perfect.

I accidentally stole two pairs of kids flipflops and a t shirt. There was a huge bag of dog food sitting on top of it, and the cashier just scanned it in the cart. We were chatting and I had a bunch of other items and never noticed that I hadn't put them on the conveyor. Walked right out with them without even…

Made it halfway through the first story before my ass cringed up into my shoulder blades and I had to quit. Congratulations, you have written the only story I couldn't stomach on Jezebel. And that's truly saying something.

I’m at 2/3 monkey completion! The question is, what do you do with them once you’re done? Maybe I’ll boot my kids’ artwork off the fridge and hang up mine instead!

I got a pack of colored pencils that are nicer than crayola, but still cheap. They color smoothly and blend nicely, but cost about $5. I know there are really nice ones out there, but I wasn't willing to spend anymore.

I would have melted into a little puddle of mortification and dripped down through the floorboards if one of my kids had acted like that. Asking once is bad enough, but I can’t fault the mom because kids frequently act like Neanderthals no matter how hard you try to teach them manners. But asking over and over and…

Fuck that! That is equal parts disgusting and ridiculous.

I got a grown up coloring book, and that shit is kind of stressing me out! It’s an easy one, and it’s still taken me two hours to color half a picture. I don’t like not wing able to complete something in one sitting!

I think she looks like Geena Davis in the first picture.

I get so excited about a trip to Ikea. And it starts off so great. “Oh, look at these fun rooms! Look at this cheap stuff! Let’s pretend like we’re in 500 Days of Summer!” But once we hit the home office section, I’ve grown quiet. I generally lose my husband somewhere around the towels, and if I’m lucky, I find him by…

I take it every night, and will just cross my fingers for the future! And I do buy stuff sometimes, but it’s always fun stuff. I wake up and I’m like, “hell yeah, we bought a leg lamp!”

Unisom, pssssh. Ambien is the way to go. You’ll sleep like a baby, and wake up with half a cake beside you, and a shipping confirmation in your email for the goat you ordered.

What is up with that? I love the first 2/3 of all Apatow movies, and then it inevitably hits this 30 minute skid of unimportant drivel, and I’m just ready for it to be over. If he could cut that 30 minute foray into boring, pointless, plot-less shit, his movies would be incredible.