I belong to a group of like-minded people who dress up in mascot costumes. And have orgies in hotel rooms and state parks. Our term for intercourse is ''yiffing''.

It's a Jack-off.

So Labor Day weekend, I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say, ''You don't have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself!''

She needs to lose 30 pounds or gain 60. Anything in between has no place on television.

I'm the actor James Franco, damnit. And I'm in love with, and common-law married to, a Japanese body pillow.

He's not that great. You know what a great pilot would have done? Not hit the birds. That's what I do every day. Not hit birds. Where's my ticket to the Grammys?

Cooter Burger? What do you think I am, a cartoon dog? The president named me that! "Cooter" because I look like a turtle, and "Burger" because he saw me eating a hamburger. One time!

Remember when a movie was just a fella with a hat running away from a fella with no hair?

No, Ryan Lochte!

Whoa, you are not doing a sketch on the Appleseed family. Monty Appleseed and I share a liquor locker at the opera.

And to think I thought Hazel was a bitch, friendly and loyal like a well-trained female dog! But she isn’t a bitch; she’s a meanie-pants.

I belong to a group of like-minded people who dress up in mascot costumes. And have orgies in hotel rooms and state parks. Our term for intercourse is ''yiffing''.

How come there ain't no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? I mean they have every race and life form from all over the galaxy but no Puerto Ricans. What's up with that?

Five now dog five! Five now dog five!

We touched penises!

Do not write another sketch with Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television. No. More. Krang.

This guy's the best. He got me kick ass Chamillionare tickets. You guys like Chamillionare? Anyway, Jack rocks. This guy — A-plus.

Oh, Liz, I am happy. All this attention, getting my picture taken, having ice-cold diarrhea from drinking too much Jamba Juice. It's everything I ever wanted.

Do TV and no one will ever take you seriously again. It doesn't matter how big a movie star you are, even if you had the kind of career where you walked away from a blockbuster franchise or worked with Meryl Streep or Anthony Hopkins, made important movies about things like civil rights or Pearl Harbor, stole films…

Expand on that.