Actually, they use salad dressing, cause it gets a better sheen.

Uh, señor Mexico, uh, si, si, yo soy Don, si. Ándale, ándale? Arriba, arriba?

I was trained in stage acting and game show pointing at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks, where I studied theater superstition under Professor Dwayne "Crawfish" Kenny.

Well I first met Liz in 1993; she was fresh out of college and I had just broken up with O.J. Simpson. And can I just say something? Total gentleman.

Do not write another sketch with Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles. No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk
about Krang on television. No. More. Krang.

Relationships are like sharks, Liz: if you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.

… Lutz.

Oh does that hurt? Well I'm so sorry. Well that is just the beginning, you… penis! This isn't some idiotic civil war in some country without oil, this is my favorite daughter and she is a beautiful, white American! So why the fudge isn't everyone fudging freaking the fudge out?!

A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory!

Ms. Lemon, did you not grow up with Leap Day William? He lives in the Marianna Trench? He emerges every four years to trade children's tears for candy?

Look, you want to know what your mother missed? Years of drinking, depression, cheating. I flipped over a Saab in the San Fernando Valley. I once woke up in the Air and Space Museum with a revolver in the waistband of my jean shorts.

I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

Healing Hands Massage: