What burns my biscuits the most is that they have soup tureens full of dipping sauce, still in the packets. At a buffet! You need two hands to open one of those things, and then where do you put your plate?

I have an idea for a John Wick-style movie in which the main character goes on a 80+ person killing spree after receiving a poor tip. It’s way better motivation than a dog.

Every once in a while, someone will publish a fluff piece about how Congress members from both parties are actually good friends and chummy outside the various chambers and committees.

I would never replace salt in a recipe with MSG. They’re different tastes. Like it says on the shaker, it’s an Accent.

CK said on Marc Maron’s podcast that as a younger man, he would compulsively masturbate and spend himself into massive debt. Apparently, his therapist told him his chronic masturbation and spending were related to anxiety, after which CK quit therapy.

You’d think at least one would be self-aware enough to realize that while he will not ever be President, he can generate quite a lot of publicity by just calling a press conference and saying the current President is a cunt.

Usually, if I’m making whipped cream, it’s as a topping for something else that already covered the whisk attachment in goo. So I whip by hand and only wash everything once.

Counter-counterpoint: Superhero movies are worse than escapist, because every single one is about someone, who is just better than normal people, who use violence to solve problems only they can solve, problems which do not, and never will, exist in the real world. We’ve had military dictatorships before, we’ve seen…

Yes. Before superheroes, no one did anything exciting in movies.

There ARE too many superhero movies. I like to try and patch what the pop culture trends say about our culture as a whole.

She’s not speaking to voters.  She’s speaking to donors.  

You will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER find a perfect candidate to be the Democratic nominee for President in time for 2020.

Give the rangers guns.

And much like Trump steaks, Trump University and Trump Taj Mahal before it, America is failing and it’s all Trump’s fault.

Semi-related sidenote: The Rock’s wrestling persona’s signature line was “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?” and it turns out what he was cooking was croquembouche, and his character was a pastry chef.

There are SO MANY incredibly popular hot potato issues the Democrats could make big dumb grandstanding votes on in 2019. Campaign finance reform. The DREAM Act, no riders. TAKING CANNABIS AND HALLUCINOGENS OFF SCHEDULE 1.

Eh, everyone’s got priorities. I place global warming solutions and environmentalism way higher on my list of issues I vote on than immigration.

I’m going to take a different tack and say it goes way back to Puritans and their “Protestant work ethic,” which meant working hard is good, and feeling good is bad and sinful and will send you to hell.

Hi, my real name is Jennifer Lawrence, and I think making it illegal for members of Congress to lie to the American public is totally hot.

Liam Neesons DESERVES all the awards. He trained the Batmans.