“Is my diabolical plan becoming clear now, Spider-Man? Once this shot-on-location summer blockbuster is released, Venice will be crammed with even more tourists, shaking its foundations with their smoke-belching cruise ships and clogging the streets in their slack-jawed tour groups.”

Florida man, here.

No. Stay and suffer with me.

Search and Rescue helicopter pilot guy here. In case any of you are wondering if this will happen to you after falling off a cliff face or something and needing an airlift, it won’t if they do their jobs right. In the organization I fly with you have to use a line attached to the litter that’s held by a member of the…

Nope.

FUCK THAT GUY AND HIS ILK FOR RUINING THE PUNCHING GAME FOR ALL OF US

They told him most of his scenes were for The Kids Are Alright 2: The Kids Meet The Hulk.  It didn’t make any sense to him, but he did sign on for a sequel, so he showed up for work.  

Fight the real enemy: the rat in The Departed.

This guy Guy needs to take advantage of this and list “food”, “clothes”, and “shelter” on their registry. 

The Marlins seem to have handled their record crowds fairly well.

I expected it to be next week before the @LOLMets started. Very pleased at the early start.

You can’t blame Lewis for this. Every British person knows that if a piece of dirt never had a Union Jack on it, it must be unexplored.

Pedants of the world, untie! 

I bet the pilots were giddily requesting their ground speed readout from ATC, only to be one-upped by some asshole in an SR-71. 

I am a lifelong Giants fan. I rooted for the Eagles in the Super Bowl and it wasn’t even a difficult decision.

I AM FUCKING HERE FOR THE COMMENTS IN THE GRAY!

See you next week, when you actually take the time to make a burner account so you can drop the same shitty hot take on an article you ostensibly didn’t want to read yet still showed up to comment on.

Is there a sign on my garage that says “Dead Klingon Storage”?

And the 2017 “I Can’t Believe I’m Fucking Doing This, I Was In Harry Potter, Who Are These Imbeciles. I Need To Fire My Agent” award goes to Emma Watson for “The Circle”.

I don’t really like the ark of this story. They should have lined up some other free agents two by two to sign before the impending storm.