If she were really serious about avoiding the paps, she’d cut herself into 10 or so separate pieces and secret herself out in several small bags over the course of a week or so. Then no one would suspect a thing. 

Celebrities, they’re just like us!

Also, you can burn off a milkshake in an hour at the gym.  But we’re a country of lazy fucks who spend 5 minutes looking for a closer parking space, and we’d rather blame candy manufacturers than ourselves.

more than six times the recommended daily amount of sugar for children between the ages of 7 and 10

Fun fact: Today a location scout came to the door and asked us if we knew how to get in touch with the owners of the duplex next door, which has been unoccupied for a few years (the owners are old and don’t want to bother renting it).

I like Patton Oswalt. He looks like a tickle feels.

He looks pretty much exactly how I expect a 69-year-old man who thinks he looks 49 and that 20-year-olds on Tinder want to bone 49-year-olds to look.

Ugh this was just a fun little fluff piece about a harmless moron until he had to invoke trans people as an argument. Fuck this guy.

Okay, I’ll admit it: when the Dokken cover kicked in, I sang/screamed along like an enormous idiot.

At first I was baffled, then I read the second word of the article and it all became crystal clear. 

now that’s some “none pizza with left beef”-level shit.

a customer could not enter a McDonald’s and order just a slice of cheese

The fact that not all states guarantee time off to vote, or frankly that the US doesn’t yet have a holiday for people to vote amazes me.  It’s ridiculous.

I’ll straight up imply that they’ve assaulted me if they nail me with any of it. Not that I actually care enough to be that person but there’s enough of a kernel of truth in it that the legitimate fear in their eyes that someone’s gonna get them in trouble over a spray of perfume makes it worth it, considering that…

I employ this technique at malls, when kiosk folk lunge out to try to apply lotion or fragrance to me.

To be fair, imagine if these promotions were targeted in some way. Extreme example, but let’s say there were a national Hobby Lobby discount offered for voting. While not specifically rewarding a particular vote, it does drive a pool of voters who are probably a little more likely to vote in a certain way.  That’s…

I always thought if George Soros was the evil genius the right made him out to be, he’d just pay a handful of people to live in Nebraska and Idaho so they could flip the votes there. Would probably be cheaper than paying all those protesters and internet commentators.

Just because I love Easter eggs, here’s a full list of comments I was able to screenshot from Rebecca’s computer while she was reading the opinion piece on herself:

The fuck kinda weird-ass hotel rooms do you stay in?

I think the correct plural is:”Jackies Collins”.