They are still pre-teens! I got sucked into a Dance Moms marathon a week or two back that ended with live interviews with the girls, and their outfits/makeup had me thinking the older ones were sixteenish.

I don't want to be their friend because I'm old and that's creepy, but if Maddie or Kendall want to come by and…

I'm gonna start a tampon smuggling ring. Who's with me?

Woman: I just want to be left alone when I walk down the street.

"so WHY is this whole ensemble serving Jaclyn Smith?" you say that like it's a bad thing, so I'm thinking you mean K-Mart's Jaclyn Smith line and not this goddess of the hot rollers?

I just darken my ombre for the winter. Jared, it's time to get with the program.

Isn't he a rapist, or something?

There is actually a hole in the back of the fanny pack he slips his penis through, so if you unzip it all you see is dick.

but wait actually i would like to contend this alleged "he got hot, like, objectively?"

I hate him and his turdy self.

Cats would never do this to anyone— they just don't have the attention span. This is why I will marry my cat and live happily ever after.

If you are trying to pretend that you're still the young buck when you're my age, it just doesn't work.

I have that friend! She is also gluten-sensitive, having followed all the diseases-du-jour for several decades, from tinnitus to ADHD to, oh, what's the one where you're sore all over and just generally weak and unwell?

Please draw a penis brain for the class.

Gross. I can smell the rage sweat on him from here.

He was definitely the creepiest vampire in "Lost Boys."

My Bengal does that to whenever we get a nice dry snow which doesn't happen often in Seattle.

Mothers, Don't Let Your Sons Grow Up To Be Assholes

I'm confused. Parents are reviled because they don't discipline their kids. They're reviled if they punish them. (You can't spank them!)