"This pic isn't racist. Come on now chirrens, Miss Paulas want you to go in 'fo supper get cold..."

Because there is zero chance that Paula Deen, who once proudly recounted the details of an antebellum-themed party she threw and slung the N-word around willy-nilly, is not aware of the historical echoes and symbolism of a rich white woman sending a black woman out to ring the dinner bell. Zero chance. Which means…

At least now we know what Jesus wouldn't do.

Oh that last one and my heart strings... I don't know whether to be thrilled that family can be so cool in the face of suckery, or pissed that they feel so compelled to reward not-suckery as a rare and precious thing.

As though it is a drink and not a Jackass stunt.

Did you ever consider the fact that if you have even the slightest glancing interest in "funnel[ing] a few beers," you are a choad?

Here's a drinking game: chug a beer every time Albert uses "chug" in this post.

I hate to be that guy, but keep in mind that none of Duncan's family has been diagnosed yet. It sounds like nurses were cleaning up the fluids he was expelling from his body with minimal safety training, which is why health care workers — especially ones in this apparent clusterfuck of a hospital — are at a much…

Oprah?

(Goes to feminist website)

Well I'm running down the road
Tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on my mind
Four that wanna own me
Two that wanna stone me
One asks politely if I'm inside her yet

Don't feel too bad. I've got to imagine that comfort grip is a big plus for some ladies.

I remember when that awful Guy Fieri restaurant opened in Times Square, people everywhere were singing the praises of the New York Times review that absolutely trashed the place. I kept saying that the New York Observer review was better by a mile. The best paragraph:

The last time I ate at a TGI Friday's was in Peoria, IL (not Springfield) before driving my rented Ford Focus (not Corolla) back to my empty hotel room (Hampton Inn) with a totally unobscured view of its own parking lot. It was a dark time.

So naturally these 'adrift' restaurants are all going to become TGIFieri's, right?

Make your grilled cheese sandwiches with a single slice of cheese

Since you can see the skyline of Sacramento (such as it is) from some of the rice fields, wouldn't it be better to send your envelope of water there, than to Hollywood?

I, for one, welcome our new sashimi overlords.

A Chinese place near where I go to school uses a brown sauce/gravy. I have no idea what it really is, some Cantonese shit probably.