You left out the first step: Get your kids to move back out of the house and get their crap out of your garage.

Looks like he’ll have to retreat to his fortress of testicular solitude, I mean Boston.

Deflated balls. Testicular fortitude. A network of dicks. Sensing a theme.

No one actually likes U2

I was kind of seeing this guy for a while. I liked him a lot. We were in our twenties. He was an artsy weirdo musican type, and had been living with an older hippie chick who had two kids. They had recently broken up, and he didn’t have a specific place to live. He was moving out of their place but didn’t know where.…

How is she pleading not guilty? No snark, I'm generally curious.

IBM’s computer thinks in chocolate and vanilla. Sometimes what it knows is chocolate, sometimes it’s vanilla, sometimes it’s a swirl. Sometimes, though, the swirl melts; then you have to decide if there was more chocolate or more vanilla in that puddle. IBM just hired a fat kid that can tell the difference.

why did'nt they paint "hands up don't shoot" somewhere on the plane?

They should make a second one, because Missouri loves company.

V10 Audi (historically unreliable)

Lambo sourced engine in an Audi with a Salvage title....

I feel like with most of that orange processed cheese shit that they put on burritos/salads/etc. it's not the cheese flavor so much as the sodium that gets people. Sodium is a bastard. Sodium is my college ex-boyfriend who stole all my Jesus and Mary Chain CDs.

I'm going to stop defending my choices to assholes and just start using the simple but brilliant sign off "because fuck you that's why."

KRISTEN WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DRESS THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT PLS LET ME KNOW V SOON

Funding Obamacare would be good. Schools and roads would work, too.

"What do you want to do, fund Obamacare with the savings?"

That isn't how "Obamacare" is funded. Why follow a supposed ludicrous argument with yet another? because that makes you an intellectual?

Nice, but when I want to see a gagging blonde and some overachieving Indians I'll just pop in my DVD of Slumwhore Millionaire.