“Luke tossed his electrified ass into oblivion at the end of The Return Of The Jedi.”

Andrew Luck 2012: *Takes a sack* Great job, man. Insane hustle. You really got me.

Andrew Luck 2019: You even just look at the ceiling and wish you could stop existing? Like, not die, but just POOF and cease being altogether. Maybe it’s nothing but motionless, soundless black. Complete emptiness. Nothingness. But it’s…

Jesus Christ, Laura! The body isn’t even cold yet!

If there was a young man in literally any other profession who made $100 million before he was 30 and decided to retire, he would be lauded. The Wall Street Journal would write thousands of words of wankery praising his acumen and smarts and god bless America.

I hope that NFL players take note of the lack of empathy people have shown Andrew Luck during this entire process. Don’t feel guilty about hold-outs for more money. Get as much money as you can and get the hell out before it becomes a detriment to your health. 

Andrew Luck’s retirement will only increase the primal urgency of Football Men to find True Football Believers to play football, so that they don’t ever question their faith in it.

I guess you could say Indy's luck has........run out.

Dearest Mother,

So on Monday can we expect to see Worst Foods to Barf?

Oy, lis’tn, this innit ah yoong mahn’s gaime. Its connah and his mates. Boys will be boys. Fook ahf and drink the whiskey if you know what’s good fer ya.

Also never forget Spider-verse

Drew, this was hysterical. To go to all the trouble of writing a WYTS for a team that’s not real is simply genius. 

In the movie Cast Away, Tom Hanks spends four years on an island....alone. When he returns to civilization, his estranged wife notes “We got a football team now.”

Nashville is the spiritual home of every suburban girl who claims to be “country at heart” because she owns cowboy boots and her parents are racist.

Exactly! There’s a whole damn movie starring a two-time Oscar winner called ‘Remember the Titans’ and still people can’t

The most damning thing I can think of about the Titans is that, on any Sporcle quiz in which you need to identify NFL teams, the Titans are always the least-guessed.

I had to reread the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs a couple times to make sure I correctly understood what happened.

You could work on your movement, game sense, and aim all you want, but at the end of the day what’s the point when you can just strap on a jotunn or erentil or whatever and do the same thing?