That’s not exactly how statistics work... It’s just a flat number. The average person spends 101 minutes a day in car, which is about 600 hours a year, compared to... MAYBE 4 hours a year doing fireworks?

Use guns as an example! Oh, wait.....

And why did he get to see the names of the persons lodging complaints? I understand he might figure it out from context, but it does seem like a poor human resources decision to say, “here’s the woman whose complaint got you fired.”

“Love dipping our #crap in our other #shit?”—Yes, godammit, I do. Specifically, I love dipping the angus three cheese and bacon in their horsey sauce (which I also like dipping their curly fries in, because horsey sauce is not just “#shit” it is THE SHIT). I’m disgusting.

Jesus Christ, what a bunch of butts. I don’t have kids and I don’t want kids and I don’t really like kids but I do my best to nod along supportively when people talk about their kids or show me pictures or whatever because that is basic human courtesy and also I guess it’s really nice that people love their kids? It’s…

Regressing's fucking right for this subject.

I so agree. It's like, "Look, here is my vulva and my stomach!" NO. Just no.

I swear to you that is not it.

Die, high-waisted jeans, DIE!

cool or not you can pry my birkenstocks from my cold dead hands.

Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope. For a destination.

I suspect I am still a teen, tbh.

I’m really only around one child all day, but I still completely agree with this statement.

I have been a nanny for 12 years. I have nine nieces and nephews. If you’re around a baby for ten minutes and the grossest thing that ends up in your mouth is a binky, it’s a good day.

"It's in you, how can you be running"

"ONE TIME A SERVER DIDN'T GET MY ICED TEA ON TIME SO I HAD THEM FIRED! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

We used to get live prawns shipped in styrofoam containers from the Gulf Coast. The prep cooks would take the lid off the container and draw a target on it and they would throw the prawns at the target. The prawns had pointy probosci and would stick like darts, their creepy little legs swimming in the air.

I SHALL BE AVENGED!