If your baby hates being read to, you’re doing it wrong.

Also, star this comment if you went to Catholic school and still remember how much fucking time you'd be spending in chapel this week.

Flies are always flying

Stabbing someone at a diner is the equivalent of breaking a bottle of champagne across the bow of a ship. You're not properly open for business until bloods been shed. #Jerseystrong

I assumed that's why the doctor in this video administered a sedative first before completing his exam...

I disagree with the Mets lifestyle.

You think you have it figured out? Wait until peri menopause!

Sometimes my dog sits when I ask.

My wife died last year at age 35. (Bear with me, totally not trolling for sympathy.)

Great food for thought, Diana.

My ring is made out of organically-grown, free-range lentils and the artisans who made it actually paid me to take it off their hands.

This is a little off-topic, but... I had a friend who showed up to my father's funeral wearing jeans and work boots. Because that's what he wears for his job. He took his lunch break two hours early so he could come and pay his respects and I thought it was lovely. He made an effort to be there for my family and we…

The NYPD must need a nap; or else it lost its binkie.

What would be best, is if the NYPD would quit telling lies, killing people, and making up reasons to throw temper tantrums.

Or when she doesn't answer the phone. Sample voicemail: HELLO. ITS YOUR CHILD. I NEED TO KNOW IF IT'S OKAY TO EAT THIS MEATLOAF. CALL ME BACK IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ME ALIVE.