Better still, he could do community service in every continent in Africa and Europe. That should keep him out of North America for a while.

How many times has she changed her story about their nature of their relationship at this point? Which is to say, I guess if you're not making any money on the ho stroll anymore, you gotta get back together with your "soulmate."

$8500 isn't going to cover 32 weddings. They should have went the kickstarter route.

No, the lying liar who keeps lying is the worst person in this story.

I guess the takeaway here is that people who listen to Top40 country radio are some dumb motherfuckers.

It's like A Serbian Film is playing on loop in his head and the only thing that keeps him from murdering and then raping everyone he sees is his unwavering faith in Christ's love.

If that's the kind of shit Grandpa Duck says at a prayer breakfast, what does he talk about after he's had a couple of beers? And why don't most atheists feel the need to describe these sort of fantasies to strangers over brunch?

Actually, he might graduate to "pretty likeable" when he stops showing up on a news show every Sunday morning to blab about what he thinks the president should have done that week.

The thin, arched ones give people clownface.

Oh, she looks great. Still, this eyebrow thing lately...

Psssst! I've seen covers that didn't involve people looking like Burt.

The braille translates to "I know all there is to know about the crying game."

Ha! You almost had me.

And they're not wearing black, either! What the shit?!?

Why don't you simply not have any abortions and let everyone else worry about how they sleep at night, kiddo?

But she was trying to burn it down. Just like when Christ kicked the yoga instructors out of the temple.

The sound doesn't even have to fit what's being opened, but it's always there.

Yeah, there's a rusty door opening you still hear in absolutely everything that drives me nuts. And there's some hospital intercom background I know too well from Queensryche's Operation Mindcrime— "Paging Doctor Hamilton, Doctor J. Hamilton"— that I also hear in a lot of things.

Ain't no judge going to give this friendly white lady the time she deserves.