"Please, ma'am, may I have some goop?" said no Dickensian urchins ever.

Tough, but fair.

Also, on Mariah's ex, why is Jesus always the go to move for black men? I know many black people love the Jesus in that weird, Southern, speaking in tongues way, but fellas need another metaphor.

Jack Osbourne wants to know why the media treated Kathy Griffin as a hero for quitting Fashion Police and didn't treat his sister with the same respect.

At what point should we get to stop thanking our Arab and Persian friends for the symbols we use for numbers? Because, much like comparing the violence that ISIS perpetrates to the crusades, if you have to reach that far back, you're really fucking reaching.

There's still plenty of Indian women to rape.

The President is responsible for considerably more Muslim deaths than the Grahams, as they're really only interested in having the gay ones killed. Perhaps they are secret Muslims, too.

What odd thought escape no judgement purple mind canyon is good.

If the kid was white you wouldn't give a shit.

Kids raised by video games like music that sounds like video games.

It's easier to seem "deep" and "artistic" and "transgressive" around someone a third of your age. My two-year-old thinks it's hilarious when I say "fart."

"A rising tide lifts all boats."

4. Never talk to a famewhore.

Will your website explain how I, too, can get horny dudes to send me money?

If you feel that every single person you meet who identifies themselves as a feminist must be 100% compatible with you, then you're not really an "thoughtful, empathetic ally". You just set an impossible goal to reach and are using that as a rationalization as to why you don't like...

I had a crush on a girl from the time I was four until I was fifteen or so. She was always nice about it, but was never into me. I wish to the sweet baby Jesus, an adult— because everyone knew— had given me the talk you gave to your son.

I would like to point out how deplorable racism is and, also, how much I think that Avengers 2 is going to be fucking awesome.

Nothing funny about being without shelter when it's no degrees. Unless they're serving up a double helping of the especially shitty parts of the gospel, you should probably leave these folks be, doofus.

Y GRIMACE BAD EMAIL?!?

Strangely, all of his technical innovations are slightly less groundbreaking and considerably less useful than Homer's makeup shotgun.