If this doesn’t work for him, he could always just say his pants were on fire.

“I thought heptathletes couldn’t have babies because they were born with both parts?” - Emmitt Smith

If he was Polish he would try to use the bar to clear the pole.

in their defense, anecdotal evidence seems to indicate that they spend a great deal of their time screwing in light bulbs, which would invariably lead to less time for education.

If he was Polish he wouldn’t be a junior in high school yet.

Yes, sorry, I forgot to type ‘on opening day.’

Everyone who generalizes is, without exception, an asshole.

We need to make Baby Boomers go fuck their own selfish asses and die.

Couple things to keep in mind:

He knows of a 9-5 job that treats you like a human? What is it? Unicorn rancher? Leprechaun rights activist?

......We need to make baby boomers pay a fucking fine as punishment for how they raised millennials.

Perhaps they’re referring to Axe “deodorant” body spray. If you’re getting a can of Axe up the pooper, God help you taking a shit properly for the next few months.

I admit in HS yes I hazed. I never invoked anyone’s ass or anything like that. We slapped the haz(y) on the chest through the day. Made them get a stupid haircut. Maybe tape them for a few hours on a goal. This next level shit is disgusting.

“...including coke bottles, deodorant bottles, steel pipes, baseball bats and broom sticks.”

This question hinges quite a bit on whether Tebow gets called up by the Mets.

Exactly. And fans eat up that narrative and vilify the players. Oh, X is so selfish! He took all the money so our team couldn’t get good players. No, the owners are keeping all the money.

I’m just reporting the news. There was an article today—I love to report the news and then they said I made a mistake, right? I said, no, the people reporting the news made a mistake if it’s wrong. But, there was an article today, it was reported, that I wanted to fuck my daughter Ivanka. Not the other one. The hot…

I remember my days in undergrad. Those 7 week long Christmas breaks were awesome...

When he isn’t being an asshole, Sale is so much damn fun to watch. Now that I’m thinking about it, what pitcher is the most fun to watch right now? Yu Darvish has to be high on the list, and the Mets have about 87 pitchers who would be in the conversation if they could ever stay healthy.