Yeah, but we know what happens to it. There no stakes, see?

If he wasn't plunging a stake through your heart or reanimating dead tissue in a ruined windmill.

God, they keep telling the same old fucking story over and over again. We're tired of the Death Star. We know what happened! Three times!

…Keep fucking? Ha! Of course, a joke of that quality is wasted on a resentful virgin such as yourself.

Dan's by no means a clever commentator or writer. But this is the AV Club. By that standard, he's William F. Buckley.

"Say what you like about Parker and Stone but the sons of bitches know story structure".

Tell you what, I'll put one hand in my pocket so you think you have a chance.

So you're wrong twice?

No, delete yours. Monkeyglans.

I'll leave a million nerds to cry out in anger and then fall silent as they each write you a ten thousand word post on the zoology of the Star Wars universe rather than deal with this one.

Dathomir.

Jesus, no! Like Australia but blander and smugger.

My god, he's got a magazine now, does he?

But thanks for logging in to show us the largeness of your heart and the solid purity of your virtue. You're like, kinda, the hero we deserve *and* the hero we need. The Man Who Defends Interchangeable Actors On The Internet. Godspeed, you golden rocket!

As if you could get on the list.

Nathan wouldn't survive in New Zealand. He needs internet 24/7 and tofu milk for his allergies.

What? She's seeing Admiral of the Fleet John Jervis, 1st Earl of St Vincent, best known for his victory at the 1797 Battle of Cape Saint Vincent, from which he earned his titles, and as a patron of Horatio Nelson? The bitch!

But that's what news is. Good news is not news. It's features.

Kimble? The wife-murdering doctor who ran away?

You know whose fault it is for making this cow-faced weeper a superstar? Ours.