Hurray for the great slave-nation of Chin! Death to the cheese-breathed vapid Westerner who knows nothing of our great culture! Revere the party! Expel the barbarian!

Which half? Hope it's the top half. The top half is always good for a career in accountancy or data coding.The bottom half is notorious for having tiny cocks. Some kind of design fault, I guess.

You know, it's funny. In that ad, you see Willem Defoe saying: 'You cannot imagine, you cannot conceive, what they are fighting out here. We in the west, which shouold never criticise the great land of Chin, by the way, have no way of imagining. Because our brains are too small. They invented gunpowder, you know'. But…

Oh, I think he's still got traction. And he has two advantages over Craig:

My god your life must be a grey featureless landscape.

"Southern Mandarin dialect, motherfucker! Do you speak it?"

The Chinese aren't going to make dollar one outside their slave camp nation until they learn the basics of story structure. You can't have the villain turn into the hero's best friend two-thirds of the way through the movie and then fight a river spirit in league with barbarian invaders whom we haven't heard about…

Monsters! They're fighting imaginary green monsters!

It doesn't feel 'more complicated' to me. It does feel like 'internet fatty raises race issues to make self seem worthy, important'. Are you getting that vibe too?

Matt Damon. His lumpy, weepy gorilla head, so very, very punchable. And look! He gives another one of his 'I am not a hypocrite for doing what I told you not to to do. I tried hard not to do it but in the end I had to because…Oh, I am pretending to be in love with Jimmy Kimmel? See? I am funny and relatable. Bring my…

Better Hiddlestone than this jug-eared turniphead.

Much of a muchness.

Noooo! This leathery old poof is all played out! Get someone new! Less weepy!

"where did you get the converse impression that Americans pretend to care about the rest of the world?"

You know what we should do? Kill the little bitch's dog.

Or the black Neeson, Denzel!

Oh god, that sexless, interminable, new age, Benetton orgy!

Also, your girlfriend won't be very sexy.

A gay prancer? You can do better.

To be fair, this delusion does have a long and honourable history. It was first posited by Renee Descartes and Avicenna.