My brother's dog apparently had to take a Xanax this year. My dog is too old and too deaf to give a shit about fireworks anymore.

Get your dogs a thundershirt and stop complaining about ONE DAY where people want to set off fireworks and cookout and have fun.

Aww, Phoenix, you underestimate the unAmerican readership. There's loads of people around the world looking at a way-too-quiet internet today. It's like Hogwarts at Christmas around these parts... seems really empty without the usual hordes, but there's still a good gang around. And maybe Mrs Weasly will knit us…

"that old"

She stole the movie....

Get over your woman English garbage! I would take garbled word salad over inaccurate references about abortion over your words that need to make sense.

I always picture Jesus having a good sense of humor

None of these can hold a candle to Timberlake's Cry me a River. Of all the ones mentioned, this is the best. The jazzy yet stone cold chorus and the very pointed schadenfreude just combine to make the best passive aggressive breakup song of all time.

Police report the rabbit survived the beating and is recovering.

Here's the thing I do not understand. Driving a minivan is not parenting. It's taxi service. (And most of the kids I knew growing up were in a carpool anyway, so it was a once or twice a week thing.) Making cupcakes is not parenting. It's food preparation. There are SO MANY THINGS that are absolutely unrelated to…

If you were a woman, you would face a daily barrage of "who's taking care of the kids?" during a business trip.

It's not that men aren't asked these questions, it's that they're asked them very rarely.

I don't see it as courage. People can do whatever they please in their bedrooms but don't sell sexual violence and tell me its feminism. Degrading and physically abusing women shouldn't be seen as sexy.

I'll admit, I'm the one who posted the ad.

Despite the boys' rampant dipshittery, "over 30 state representatives, senators, and current and former statewide elected officials visited the boys," according to BOR.

"She wasn't really that far off the mark, to be honest. I don't care whether it's a man or a woman. I just date the most famous option—like Amber Heard."

Maybe this is unfair or unnecessarily judgmental, but I feel like this would be more funny/less sad if she didn't have some minor IRL connection to him. Like, if your wacky friend did this as a goof that went viral, it would be great, but knowing that this poor lady is just kind of counting the minutes until BC…

Lady. You think you're being cute and quirky and free-spirited, but you're just bumming everybody out. Stop. Please.