Congratulations, Mr. Tom and Mr. Petehammer, on COTD! I have for each of you a beautiful classic Alfa Romeo which this lovely will deliver as soon as she finishes this movie scene.

I still don’t understand why you don’t like Augusta.... You realize 60 years ago there were racist people involved in pretty much every sport right?? Half your argument was that they don’t bend over backwards for the media... They have carts to personally chauffeur you to the media center and ask that you not walk on…

I went to the 2006 Masters. We had folding chairs, which we placed as near the 18th green as we could get. We then proceeded to wander the course for hours, returning back to our chairs as the last few pairs were finishing their rounds. The chairs were where we left them, unmolested by either Pinkertons or patrons.…

Are the the GM of the Jets, by any chance?

What? No Adam Carolla? Is it because his name is homophonic with such a common car? And if it wasn’t for Magnus Walker’s car stuff, who’d have heard of him? Or Jim Glickenhaus?

There are no scarves or bandanas around the mic stand, ergo not Steven Tyler!

Key and Peele need to do an East-West Bowl skit for this shit.

Worked as a broker.

You’re just adding more holes for him to try to put his penis in.

Never lift!! (Your fingers off the keyboard)

Why spend money on a smartphone when a rotary dial desk phone will make calls without having to be plugged into a power outlet at all?

Yeah, it's like, why did all those people just carry around watches on their wrists when they have cell phones in their pockets that tell time? Who needs Bluetooth headsets when audio is in your phone? There's a serious use case for this, and it's obvious that every major tech company sees it as they've virtually all…

"Stop giving juice to the Raiders/Because Al Davis never paid us."

Pretty sure the promo girl on the left is giving a handjob to the Invisible Man.

So that is what happened to Jean van de Weld.

NHL playoffs are incredibly enticing. Anyone who thinks differently is a heathen and deserves to be cast from society.