If you think about it, any story about food is the beginning of a poop story.

This is dating myself but... when I was 10 years old my mother moved us from Philly to Westwood Ca. (a whole ‘nother story but it was actually a case of custodial interference.) Our neighbor in in the Melrose place looking complex was Barbara Barry. She played Gavin Mcleod’s wife on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”. She…

I am blessed to know many service members who are wonderful, but every time someone comes in and yells at me because my store doesn’t offer a military discount (“MY HUSBAND PUTS HIS LIFE ON THE LINE FOR YOUR COUNTRY AND YOU CAN’T GIVE ME 10% OFF MY DRESS?”) I understand, with deep, deep clarity, why they are hated…

Gee, I wonder why people who work and live in heavily military communities often have an unfavorable opinion of the average servicemember, while people 500 miles from the nearest base whose closest relation to the military is their stepbrother’s nephew who did 18 months in the Coast Guard and got an other than…

Man, he’s gonna be pissed when someone reads this article to him.

It’s good to see so many of those in attendance smash-faced, out of respect for all the women Floyd kicked the shit out of.

Six years ago, my 4 year old cousin died from a particular aggressive form of cancer. He was lucky - his parents were well off lawyers and were able to travel to the states for cancer treatments, which meant that he was able to see his 4th birthday rather than dying 6 month earlier. We tried everything we possibly…

“We asked for urine samples. We got three feces samples, two saliva, and one severed hand.”

You never meet smart racists anymore! Back in the Thomas Jefferson days there used to be smart racists everywhere, but they have all died.

The line between physical and psychiatric pain is so blurry. For example I’m a stress puker. Which side of the line is my nausea on? Isn’t it both?

How many Rand Pauls does it take to remind me that I hate Rand Paul?

Only a deranged asshole would order bacon extra limp, then offer said gelatinous fatty tissue to a terrified waitress as a peace offering. Crispy or nothing, limp dick psycho Santa.

Almost everyone has the Spectre of Regrettable Wang.

Just a note from experience dealing with fruit flies at bars...

Next week on "Behind Closed Ovens," The story of some guy who ordered a Reuben with Ranch Dressing on it.

You dated Newt Gingrich?

Can we just ban "You look tired!" as a socially acceptable comment? Unless you're actively sleeping on your desk at work or something, it always means "You look like shit".

"But the constant questions over the last six weeks have proven a great distraction that has made it too difficult for me to serve...."

The man was a hero under enemy fire and this is how we reward him, making Sarah Palin his mother-in-law? Has he not suffered enough?

Jesus fucking Sid N Nancy christ.