Don’t worry - He’s white.

In a perhaps even more apt comparison, it’s also the motto of 1980's cartoon villain Megatron, whose box had “Peace Through Tyranny” printed right on it.

Sesame Street has gotten way grittier than when I was a kid.

Do you WANT Jar-Jars? Because this is how you get Jar-Jars.

Oh, darn! I seem to have dropped this here... LADIES.

Vocabulary fun fact! That horrible, cringing embarrassment you’re feeling for and about the folks in that video right now? The German word for that is “fremdschämen”. 

Oh, fuck. Now my masturbation’s gonna be even weirder.

Let’s not forget “being investigated by”.

He’s not running FROM the bird. He’s running TOWARDS an unseen schoolbus that is both engulfed in flames and full of orphans and kittens.

Their marriage is doomed. If you can’t keep an avocado fresh for 20 minutes, think about the sex in 20 years.

Never. That’s kind of the whole POINT when you’re roleplaying Mr. Rogers.

I need you to know that I watched that entire thing. My soul hurts now.

You’re doing it wrong. That’s friggin’ gorgeous.

They’re basically velociraptors in drag. Fuck THAT noise while i’m deathgripping the armrests after downing 3 overpriced airport Bloody Marys to get through takeoff.

The Gay Agenda is real...Now that no woman will ever be capable of sexual behavior ever again, all us dudes have is each other. THEY WERE PLAYING THE LONG GAME.

Oh, sure. NOW you tell us.

Methscort? Can that be a thing?

This reboot of “For The Boys” isn’t working for me.

Burqa. Duh.

One summer back in my early teens, my uncle drove to Maine, picked up a cooler of lobsters there, picked me up in Connecticut, and we proceeded on down to Virginia. At some point between Point A and Point C, the cooler’s drain plug came undone, leading to an increasingly rapid and increasingly smelly flow of liquid,…