How about learning a modicum of people skills and tact, and also getting help for the insecurity issues you obviously have?

Gordon will probably mock me mercilessly for suggesting this, but if you're a beer drinker try Guinness. It's super low in calories (fewer than some light beers) and fills you up so you don't want to drink a bunch. I stuck to Guinness a few years back why I was trying to lose weight, and the tactic helped…

Get well, Albert! Last week, I battled a vicious head/respiratory cold that closed up my throat for about four days. Worst feeling there is.

Billy, I know I give you a lot of shit for Lil B, but this is a fantastic piece. Thanks for bringing it east.

Everyone who lives in Green Bay is adorable.

"Rage-punching the air while giving the Absolute Zero of Fucks about my job."

Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter.

These are fantastic. Any way you could work Goldwater's "Daisy" ad into these?

Ohhhhhhhhh. But this still doesn't answer whether the top falls down.

She's not angry! Mr. Banana slipped her the Molly at the end of reg, and now she's feeling it.

Greg, I really enjoy all of your pieces, especially your stuff on Whitlock. But your bare-bones update-via-hyperlink is pretty weak, particularly given the inflammatory nature of the story, and that two copy editors admitted to fabricating and inserting the quote:

I don't use the word "literally" often as an adjective because of how constantly it is misused, both on and off of Parks and Recreation. But Parker's explanation, literally, is the stupidest thing that I have read in the past year.

The real shame of L.A. not having a football team is not that its citizens don't have a team to root for, but that its NFL-ready market can constantly be dangled over the heads of cash-strapped towns like a guillotine.

I am not ashamed, not one bit, to admit that the very thought of the Mothman scares the absolute shit out of me.

And with his purchase of the Sinners' Bus and a Goon under his (apparent) employ, Gronk achieved everything that he had set out to accomplish in life.

Is that Hungarian that I hear?

To paraphrase Winston Churchill, Jonny Fucking Football may be a drunk, but Skip Bayless is an abhorrent human being. And JFF will be sober in the morning.

I have to go with something that memorializes America at its finest, just in case the Future Robots are curious:

Obviously, he threatened to unleash a DDoS attack on the entire officiating crew.